I (44f) have been married for 23 years. We have 3 daughters together and live a pretty normal life. We are in love, always have been. Never went through any kind of major hiccups within this relationship. I along with anyone who knows him has questioned is sexuality. 3 years in he came out about somethings that happened when he was a child and also told me he has desires and thoughts. I had no problem with anything that I was being told. I have a very high sex drive and am very adventurous in the bedroom. Although somethings that we did as a couple would trigger me, but we were always open and honest and communicated maybe too well at times. We made a huge decision to move states for better work opportunity which did pay off. Last year something in me started to feel very uneasy with my husband. I felt like he was being super sus and so i started checking and questioning him and his motives. I checked his loction day day to see him at a house for about 2 hrs and i watched him leave and come home. I asked him if he had really been at the gym, and he said yes. i told him he was going to cause a really big problem if he wasn't honest and so he said he had been on drugs and had a bender. The moment I saw his location I knew it my gut what he was doing and he was not being honest. I printed separation papers and had him sign then and then i dove into my work.. i work music festivals and travel once a month for about a week but last year worked every weekend i could just to get away. I wgreived my marriage and what i thought it was and what i knew would never be agian. I war cried.... and i released him. Over the next year when i would get home we spent so much time building this incredible friendship. I fell back in love with in again.. 10x harder this time around though. I put my wedding ring back on this past christmas and then a month ago happened. Same scenerio... my gut starts screaming something isnt right and agian, where are you and why but this time... he says your not going to like what i have to say and i said i already dont like it. He tells me he cheated and that he did last year too... i made a post not to long again that i am going to copy and paste here ...

I am not sure what my purpose in doing this post is but I feel like it needs to be heard or I need to be understood one. I have been married for close to 24 years and am 44 yr female. I recently found out for sure that he had cheated with another man. I would like to say that his sexualality was never a secert with me. He is attracted to anything and everything. We both are very sexual with very high sex drives. We made a big move 2 years ago to a different state for better oppertunities of work. I work music festivals 9 months out of the year so i am gone once a month for about a week. He used to do the same thing but it was hard to raise 3 kids and both be living that life. It for sure was my dream and gig before he started full time. So we found a career based job. Last year was the first time i knew in my soul he cheated and when conforted he lied. I made asked him to sign seperation papers and he did so. I dove straight into my job and just travelled all the time and greived what I thought was our marriage. We learned how to be best friends again over this last year. I fell back in love him and him with me, no denying. I put my wedding ring back on right around christmas. Well 2 weeks ago I found out he did the same thing as last year. It was heart breaking and yes on my part horribly on his. I could see the fear and shame and guilty just oozing out of him. I knew he had just been with a man and all i could do was want to hold him and protect him. He was so vulnerable. He started to be mean and say things I knew were not true but still hurt like hell. I asked him if I could give him a hug and the walls of Jericho came down. He asked if I was serious and I said yes please, I can feel you and it hurts so bad. After hugging him for I dont know how long I sat on our bed and thought for like 5 minutes what my next move should be. I grieved us already, I war cried for what we used to be last year when I knew what he did and he lied. I felt dirty and gross and know he had to be feeling the same way after me just giving him ultimate mercy and grace.. not that that was my point but i was aware. I said i wanted to take a shower and asked him if he wanted to go with me. He has bad anxiety in showers and close confinement, and he couldn't not believe I was doing what I was doing and saying what I was saying. He did and I just held him. We held each other.

Here we are 2 weeks later and well... We want to die together. He is in love with me but he has a truth to be told and lived. Desires that he is killing himself literally to suppress for the sake of me and his children. He doesnt want to live in guilt and shame and he wants to be at peace with himself. The action is not what hurts and never did.... I dont look at him as cheating...he cheated himself more than me. I am in shock and aw but am not devasted, I am excited. I dont know what any of this means. We have spent these entire 2 weeks talking about every single thing you can think of. He has covered me and put all his efforts into building me back up again and making me feel safe and that IS where I struggle now. I think that all comes with time. He has no desires for anything right now other than establishing what this means now and i am grateful for that because it gives me healing and process time which is very needed. I am a creature of love, an empath, connection and energy so.

I would like to say this.. I am choosing to look beyond his physical body and stare at his soul, I care about is health and happiness at all cost. I have walked him to exactly where he is now and I am choosing not to walk away now that he is figuring things out, not matter if that makes sense to me or not. If it is right and good for our children and me and ultimately himself then everything is worth it. Life is absolutely what you make it and there is no rule book or wrong or right way of doing it... it is what it is... YOUR life. Define that however the hell you want with no reason or explanation cause you dont owe the world anything that is personal and yours.

So here we are today, in an open marriage functioning and working. I have met people and have slept with others and doing so has help me understand him more and how there absolutely is a separation between emotion and the physical. I want to be of help and support for wives AND/OR husbands that need support from a wives perspective. I by no means have it all together but my heart is pure and in the right place. I hope this serves its purpose!!!