Upfront, this topic might be a bit much since it's sexual in nature, so forgive me if that's not allowed. If the post remains but you find the topic upsetting, I apologize but ask not to be demeaned. Secondly, I'm a transgender woman, so that keys into some factors, the above holds true for that as well.

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I've been running into a problem for a while but doubly so with transitioning.
It feels like either I'm inflicting bad luck, being punished by something or just a general loss of luck and will after I masturbate. This has doubled in issues since I started transitioning and begun to view myself as...my self.
Like everyone, I get obviously worked up over time and want to enjoy some self pleasure - especially since being single the last 3 years - but afterwards I feel anxious and worried. Every day after I have just an absolute beast of a day. Things are extremely hard, relationships are more tense and anything I was hoping for or waiting on ends up falling through if I've pleasured myself the day before.

I'm worried that it's a self fulfilling prophecy but I can't get it out of my head the pattern of pain afterwards.
I don't know how else to explain it, but I feel it's spiritual or magick in nature. I've tried independent research but so much of the conversation is obscured by that weird NoFap trend that is very much Pro-Patriarchy.

Does anyone have an insights?