I bravely shared with my (previously close) friend how I felt betrayed by her with something that she did, then when I shared my hurt in the moment, she shamed me and blamed me for "handling everything so badly". This happened on the phone at the time so I wasn't proud of abruptly ending the call to cry, and I haven't brought it up with her since. I admitted to there being some distance between us since it happened because I've been trying to get over it on my own. But I'm struggling to do that because I can't forget it and let go. And unfortunately that has meant that I haven't been wanting to hang out with her, which I also shared.

It came up for me this past weekend because she invited me to her birthday this weekend and I felt that it would be dishonest of me to go and pretend like everything is fine between us, when I'm harbouring this secret resentment.

I asked how she felt after I shared the above with her, and if she would like to meet up to talk? I wasn't looking for an apology, I just wanted to share the impact of what she did and to know what she felt about it too so we could then figure it out together in person.

But her response to me was that "it seems like" I am "in a vulnerable spot" and when I am "feeling up to it" we can "have a real chat". She said I don't have to come to her birthday, but she'll miss me if I'm not there so she hopes I will be.

I took some time to think about that before replying because I felt uncomfortable.

I replied today saying "Yes, this is what vulnerability is... 👀 not hiding your feelings from people, owning your shit and opening yourself up to reduce unnecessary conflict. I get it if you don't feel you can meet me in having a vulnerable chat back in person though? In that case I'm feeling okay about what I've shared already and we can chat at a time that works for you whenever"

And she's not replied.

I can't go to her birthday and have fun whilst pretending everything is okay between us, because it's not.

I'm rarely vulnerable with my friends, and I don't have many male friends anyway. But when I am, I don't share from a place of unprocessed emotions. I do still feel them though and they're equally as valid as someone else's.

In the past I would've over-shared in response to justify my hurt more, and I would've taken care of her feelings by saying I trust that she didn't intend to hurt me. But I noticed that she only focused on mine, and didn't share any of hers, even though I asked her too because her feelings matter(ed) to me too. I think this is what creates the power imbalance in my friendships sometimes, because I make myself smaller by justifying myself. And that's why I'm a people-pleaser, because of a fear of rejection.

Now I realize her reply shows that she feels uncomfortable by my vulnerability. Perhaps her own feelings destabilize her and make her feel like she's lost control of herself. That's why people perceive vulnerability as a weakness. But I feel empowered in my vulnerability here. It is a fucking strength, I get it now for the first time in my life. Because you see how people react to you in theirs, and then you can make a choice as to whether it's good enough for you.

Vulnerability definitely opens us up to rejection, especially when we are owning parts of ourselves that are not all sunshine and rainbows. I didn't share before because I was afraid of losing her as a close friend. What I didn't realize until today, is that I am not afraid of me rejecting her if she doesn't want to show up for me. And that is ✨magic✨ for me to see now 💡

She can take as long as she needs to come back to me on meeting up. We're all on our own journeys, afterall. But the longer she waits to consider if and how she will, the further I've walked down the one-way road...

I hope my learnings resonate with you other witches out there!