Pardonfuck?

I blinked several times, thanking all the powers that be for my poker face. Years as an event-turned wedding planner had turned me into a veteran of neutral expressions. Clients could ask the dumbest questions, or make the most outrageous demands and I would stay perfectly calm. On the outside. I took another deep breath as I planned my response since "Pardonfuck" was not the professional way to go.

" I think I am misunderstanding you. What is the grooms...employment?"

"He's the Shadow Lord. He rules over the night fey." Sue sat across from me on my porch swing. My across the street neighbor looked unassuming enough. She was wearing a lavender pantsuit and a sun hat. The black binder in her lap was similar to every other bride I have had consultations with. Frankly she still wasn't the most batshit client I'd had. Though, I was pretty sure this was a joke.

"Does....he have a name? For invitations and the like."

"Oh we don't need those." Sue chuckled. "Everyone who needs to know has already been told."

"Well that's good at least." I said, still wondering when the punchline would arrive. "Honestly Sue, Im still not sure I understand what it is you want."

She sat her binder on the table between us. A large vinyl sticker with an odd red symbol decorated the front.

"My circle and I do this event once a year. As priestess I must renew my vows . Usually it's a small affair but this time it falls on the solar eclipse so I really wanted to make it special."

"I make all my brides feel special." This statement was reflexive. I hated myself for it. "Is this a ceremonial thing or..?"

She looked at me questioningly. "Well yes there is a ceremony. I was thinking we do the reception first so everyone can mingle and get snacks before the blood ritual is performed."

I stared.

She stared.

A minute of awkward silence passed between us. She slid a blank check across the table.

​

"First we talk venue!"

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Three weeks later I was in Sue's backyard.

​

Circular tables were arranged neatly throughout the lawn. Torches that burned with an odd scent formed a perimeter. I have no idea what was fueling them- Sue had specific materials that she provided. I refused to ask any questions.

​

Bowls of milk alternated with the torches- we found delightful ceramic pieces at a great price. The caterer had arrived precisely on time and was serving vegetarian hors d'oeuvres as well as cordial glasses full of some mysterious liquid. Sue said not to have any unless I wanted to join the circle. She insisted I was welcome to do so if I chose. I brought a water-bottle from home .

The guests arrived and milled about. All of them wore silver and green hooded robes that hid their faces- Sue told me this was mandatory. To each her own theme.

​

I decided to check in with the caterer before doing recon downstairs.

​

"Hey there. We are going to transition into the ceremony soon. How are things on your end?"

​

He looked at me. Tall, hulking and probably intimidating to someone who gave more fucks than I . His eyes were an odd color. Neon teal. I wasn't a fan of FX contacts on the best of days, let alone at an event. But he was his own boss and Sue had wanted him over all my references.

"All is well as far as we're concerned." His accent was weird. So were his helpers. They were as short as he was tall and I was pretty sure I saw one sneaking milk. So long as they weren't sneaking booze it was fine.

​

"Fruit?" Speak of the devil. One of the catering minions appeared with a tray full of peaches? Nectarines? Persimmons? Whatever the fuck they were I wasn't having any because we had a schedule to keep.

"Thanks but no." Clipboard in hand, I went to check the ceremony space.

​

I have seen some themed weddings in my day. Lotr, Hunger games, Harry potter, Zombie, Polka- whatever is trending on pinterest I have probably seen and done. But Sue.....Sue was something else.

The ceremony was being held in her basement. It was actually pretty nice albeit, weird. It was spotlessly clean and the walls were made from granite. No idea how she'd managed that but here it was. I had to go through 10 exotic florists to get all the the specific flowers for the arrangements. Sue had provided her own decorative crystals.

I was just approaching the hooded figure out the altar- the priest I assumed- when I heard the chatter of the guests descending the stairs.

I checked my watch. 7:55. The fuck?

My check in with the caterer apparently took thirty minutes. I hurried up the stairs, past the guests to find Sue.

Sue's dress was something else. It looked Grecian- long and flowy. I think it was made from silk. I had see a ton of wedding dresses in my day and all the white fluffs started to look the same. However Sue's dress was iridescent. It alternated between lavender, blue, green and white depending on the light or the angle you looked at it and I was dumbfounded.

"You look gorgeous- where did you find that dress?"

"It was made by a friend. She's a weaver and raises unicorns herself. " She stopped as if that explained everything. It didn't. But there was only a,few more hours until I was done with this madness.

​

"You're stunning." I said as I always do for the bride. "The ceremony begins soon. "

"I felt the call. " She stood gracefully and suddenly I was back in the basement at the altar.

​

There comes a time when you lose your shit. Either internally or externally. I was ready to do both.

​

But then the cloaked figure at the altar removed their hood and I saw horns.

​

There...There really is only so much fuckery the mind can handle at once.

I screamed. Or I didnt. I was breathing but no sound left my mouth. I tried to run but my legs were also paralyzed. I put all my will into taking a step and fell flat on the floor. Around me , no one else was moving either. Soundlessly, I began to hyperventilate.

​

Suddenly I felt small hands around my waist and ankles. The catering minions had somehow grown smaller and more spindly. I tried to kick them off but I was still frozen. They lifted me and carried me to a chair among the audience.

"Suaibhseach, your hand"

​

The horned thing was speaking. I was about to piss myself.

​

Sue took it's hand. Hoof? Branch? fuck it. Sue took it's hand equivalent appendage and stepped onto the altar.

​

The guests around me started chanting. Sue raised a large knife and sliced open her hand. Blood splattered across the Ivy and flowers I spent so long trying to find. A large basket of those weird fruits had been placed on a table between them. Still bleeding Sue took one and offered it to the horned thing. She started speaking a language I do not understand. If tree leaves and the souls of stone had a sound, this would be it.

The Guests around me started chanting as well. My vision started to fade...or maybe not? I started to see another image transposed on the image in front of me. Sue had grown older, and wilder. White hair hung past her ankles. The Horned being was no longer cloaked, it was a goat beneath the waist and wearing animal pelts over it's shoulders. The basement had disappeared and we were in a forest with trees that felt old as the earth itself.

Small creatures were everywhere. Crawling, flying , swarming around Sue and the Horned thing. None of the creatures made sense. They were as much humanoid as they were plant or animal.

The creatures began pulling hoods off the guests. I watched soundlessly as they took...pieces from each person. A lock of hair here, a tooth there. Some creatures carved symbols into faces. Not one person moved or stopped the chant as the beings raided their bodies.

The voices around me grew louder . Try as I might my brain and body were no longer one. Suddenly Sue and the being started to glow. Strange symbols surrounded them and the light grew so bright that all I could see was white.

​

I woke up in my bed.

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My phone said a date that was two days after the supposed wedding. I went to the kitchen for a mug of bourbon.

​

On my counter was a huge wicker basket. Thankfully full of fruit I recognized. There were also muffins which my growling stomach appreciated. Brendan probably dropped by ... I thought. Until I saw the note.

"Thank you so much! Everything was perfect. I recommended you to several friends as well as for my nieces wedding next month. She'll be calling you soon, her name is Amanda." -Sue

​

There was no fucking way. I was beyond ready to grab my laptop, get in my car and drive until I couldn't any more, house be damned. But then something shiny caught my eye. Underneath the note was a bag of gold coins, the size of a sack of flour. Next to that was an iridescent ,conical, horn.