“Not feeling too hot today, honey?”

I asked as I flipped the eggs over in the frying pan. The lights flickered as slow shuffling footsteps came down the hallway.

My wife, Rachel, has never been a morning person. Usually when I'm waking up to start the day, she has just gone back to sleep from her night time snacking. Pregnancy has been a rough road so far and her disheveled hair and stony expression confirmed along with a mumbled response.

“I made you breakfast and there's coffee. Do you want turmeric in yours?”

She nodded and flopped on the couch as I brought over a plate.

Our new (to us) house was still sparse and in disarray. Barely unpacked from the move from the north. We had wanted an old farmhouse for years and now was as good a time as any. 100 years of history and plumbing problems was happily ours.

With breakfast finished, I cleared plates. Rachel, unsurprisingly, wanted to go back to sleep. I helped her stand from the couch, her feet were swollen and her adorable growing belly threw off her center of balance. Lights flickered again as she went down the hallway and the door gently closed behind her.

I had said I would do some more unpacking, but somewhere along the way an indefinitely long video game break had started. I was mid- boss battle when there was a banging on the door.

My eyes narrowed, neither Rachel nor I liked surprise visitors.. What asshole doesn't text first? But I optimistically hoped it was the plumber for the upstairs bathroom.

I open the door to two random dudes standing on my porch.

“Sorry, we’re not interested” I said immediately, shutting the door but the guy closest to me put his foot in the way of the closing door.

Well fuck… Rachel would have closed the door anyway, hoping she broke his foot but I've always been more accommodating.

“Hey neighbor.” He said smiling. “We just wanted to introduce ourselves and welcome you to the area.”

“Okay..?”

“We.. uh… well we were here to invite you to First Baptist up the way...but it seems like you may not be into the word of the lord.”

He looked pointedly at the mezuzah on our door frame, then his eyes started following the intricate patterns Rachel had carved along the molding. We are a multicultural household.

“Are y'all some of the new aged types? I think we have laws about that here.”

“Look I understand you have your point of view, but my wife is trying to sleep and now is really not the time.”

I held my hands up half in an attempt to placate the situation and half to try and herd them out. They weren't about it.

As they forced their way in, the broader one knocked a lamp off the table. It shattered, creating one hell of a noise. I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed.

“Look we’re not playin’ around-”

“...Danny?”

A very tired voice drifted down the hallway.

“What the fuck was that?”

“Sorry hon. We have visitors and they dropped something.”

“....Who the fuck just shows up at your house?” She sounded annoyed but no more awake.

“Get out here, now!” Shouted smaller guy

“Hey don’t talk to my wife like that-”

“Shut up!” He punched me in the gut. After a completely cool and non sputtering response, I collapsed onto the nearest seat and decided to just let Rachel handle it. Fuck these guys.

“I'm telling you to get out here now and don't try anything!”

The lights flicked. The bedroom door creaked open and my very pregnant and grumpy wife shuffled down the hallway.

I got comfortable.

Rachel’s sleepy face slowly became alert as she took in the scene. The guys, the weapons, me clutching my stomach and then the remnants of her lamp on the floor.

“Now miss you, take a seat and no one gets hurt.”

Rachel made the face she makes any time someone tries to tell her what to do. Clearly annoyed by the audacity. The man instantly slumped to the floor.

The remaining man pointed a gun at her. I, out of instinct rather than necessity, moved to stop him but then caught myself and stayed safely out the way.

“WHAT THE HELL-” His voice stopped suddenly in his throat.

“Danny, why are they in our house and why is my lamp broken? I just got that thing.”

“Well, it started as an invite to their church and went downhill. I'm honestly not too sure which of us they are offended by.”

“Gross.” Her eyes narrowed.

The man's voice returned. Between the whimpering pleas could be heard.

“Look, we was just trying to scare yall. We want to keep this neighborhood nice and I don't want trouble.”

Rachel looked amused.

“I-I -. Look, I got a family. I won't say anything...just let me go.”

“Was that your plan when you came in here?”

He gulped. Then…exploded? I'm not really sure. Rachel, suddenly bored ,or too tired to engage, disintegrated the man. He turned to ash and collected neatly in a pile where he stood.

“Do you mind cleaning up babe? I'm still really tired. I’ll make it up to you.”

“Sure thing.” I stood up. Gingerly stepped over guy number one, and gave her a hug.

I tucked Rachel into bed, making sure to prop up her feet the way she likes it. Then, my game completely forgotten, I began to unpack. Kitchen supplies, another lamp, then a “no soliciting” in the front window, clearly to be seen from the doorway.