You know what would be wonderful? Knowing someone on the other end of a computer or phone, maybe even the other end of a table, cannot contain their excitement to see or hear from me. I want to know that they’ve waited hours, maybe even all night into the morning, and finally the moment has come. I want us to have “you get off first” fights that are so sickening sweet, our teeth actually hurt saying it. I want to know that wherever they are, whether it’s 2 miles away or 2,000, that they are thinking about me, wondering about me, the same way I do them. I hope my name will reverberate off their thoughts.

I hope that she wonders and daydreams about us as much as I do about her, and have since I knew what love was. I don’t know if we’ve met or not. Whether we have or not, I still hope that at night when they are alone, when there is only silence surrounding them, they lie back in their bed looking at the ceasing and think “I wonder what things I’ll say that will make her laugh. I wonder how her eyes look when she’s past the point of being tired. I wonder how her hair feels when I play with it when we watch Netflix on the couch, when I know I’m looking at a movie, but all I really know is that I’m thinking about her. I wonder how well I’ll sleep next to her, maybe so good that I never have another bad dream. I wonder how her voice sounds during her work break, just to tell me she loves me, joking “in case I forgot”, in case a few hours were too long to not be told.”

I want to know what songs we will sing to each other to make the other smile after a sad movie (Euphoria vibes, if you guys saw one of the most recent episodes lol). I want to know what her favorite food is that I’ll get to surprise her with on a whim. I wonder what she looks like in red, well honestly in every color. I wonder if one will make her shine more than the others. I want to spend a Valentine’s Day no longer imagining, but actually experiencing the holiday the way it was created to be. I want to not be ignored, brushed off, or thought of as boring. I want to be enough for someone, in more ways than looks, in everything. I want to be enough the whole time, not just at the very beginning. I want to know what love is in a way I’ve NEVER been able to know before but keep hoping I find in someone. It’s got to exist, it’s got to be real. I hope there to be a moment where it hits me, where it all makes sense. All the failed relationships, all the indecisive actions of other people who thought they liked me, all the changed minds and flakiness, where all of it had to happen, where all of it was worth the devastating heartbreak because it all had to lead HERE...Where here will be a place SO beautiful, it can’t be described. There won’t be a word for here, at least not for me. I hope there isn’t for her either.