Nothing crazy here.

I'm an equine vet, practicing in a small practice in a rural area. I've wanted to be an equine vet my entire life. It was all I dreamed of. However, the field has crushed me. I quit halfway through my internship last year because I was too exhausted to go on, it got so bad that I couldn't hit a garden sized jugular vein in an 18 h warmblood. I picked myself up and found a new job as an associate. It's been a little over a year and it started out mostly ok. I felt more confident, my boss was a great mentor, and it's a smaller practice so the case load is much more manageable.

Then in March I broke my leg. I got trampled by a client's horse trying to help them catch her for an exam. I had to have 2 surgeries and was non-weight bearing on my leg for 3 months. My practice manager told me not to go for worker's comp because they were just going to continue paying me and they paid my health insurance anyway so that was fine. I guess things started to feel off after my second surgery. I called to update them when I went home and tell them a plan and a timeframe and almost immediately it was "so you'll be able to come back soon right?" This kept going for a few weeks even though I told them I was still in a bandage and needed to wait and see how my leg felt after my last recheck appointment.

After all went well I came back to work and did half days helping around the office (since I still couldn't bear weight). 90% of the time I sat on the couch next to our receptionist and did nothing because there was nothing, but I was there. Eventually everything got better and I came back to work.

Since I've been back I've volunteered to take extra call, I've been taking any appointment I'm offered, and I've done everything I feel like I can do but I have this constant feeling that they blame me for getting hurt and resent me for it. As if I stood in front of that horse willingly. Was it stupid? Yes. Did I want this to happen? No. It's been 6 months since my surgery and I'm still limping. I have this mental block now, this fear. Every time I perform a procedure all I can think about is one swift kick to my leg and all the plates and screws are going to be broken and infected. I can't focus, and everything has suffered for it.

So last night I made the decision I never thought I would: I submitted an application for a position as a small animal veterinarian at a larger practice. More benefits, more time, less risk of physical injury. Here's hoping.

Just wanted to vent. I see a lot of negativity on this subreddit and I know we are all struggling, but I wanted to share my story because it's been eating me alive inside.