Good morning my dudes! Always see stories about mental health decline and how things seem to never get better.

Just last December I was pretty much on my last straw and could not take it anymore. I separated end of last year after 13 years of service. I always get asked why I didn't get to 20 for the benefits. Well, I never say the real reason why. Which was can't get the benefits if I ate the bullet. Which was pretty much a guarantee if I stayed in.

Once I got out I thought things would get better. I kept doing adult type shit to see if it helped. Purchased my first house among other things.

I kept wondering why I never felt OK. I have a fantastic job, own a house, nice car etc... Just couldn't figure it out. I chose to stay single and hit the books hard and focus on career shit for the longest time. Everything I put my sights on as a career or education goal I accomplished.

One of my goals was back in 2013-2014 of getting accepted to a green door program as an analyst. I loved that job. However, that job sure did take its toll on my over time. I remember working 58 straight days befor deploying for a response. Only to have to watch the person killed a couple days later and have confirm identification. I still remember being in complete disbelief. We are the United States military. How the fuck did we not complete the objective.

That was the first and only time I ever made an actual attempt at taking my life. My dog saved my life that day. I made him a promise I will give him the best life and thank him everyday. Over the years, as he has grown. I figured once that promise was kept and he has passed. So would I. My pup is my everything. We have moved to countless states, he has stayed with random coworkers as I only had 48 hours prior to a no notice deployment.

There is this stigma I see of having to be in combat to have PTSD. However, while I have never been in combat. Prior to actions, analysts are putting hundreds of hours and seeing awful shit on the daily to collect and make it as safe as successful as possible for the bros on the ground.

I always wondered why I have only slept 2-4 hours for the past 10 plus years. Doctors said it was sleep apnea, but always passed the tests not having it. I have been on every kind of sleep medicine to only fail. Only way I could sleep is if I drank enough. Which isn't all that healthy. Actually led to a couple times of missing work and taking leave. Ended up being directed to family readiness to have weekly meetings with a psych. I was not ready at the time though and did not open up. Was diagnosed with seasonal depression.

I have never had a 401k or any kind of retirement fund. Never had or attempted for a SO. Why would I? I had planned to no longer be around once my pup passed. Seems kind of silly throwing money for retirement or leaving somebody heart broken once the day came.

I would cry every couple of days looking at him as he has aged or got a slight Injury. Not sure if I was crying for him, or just knowing that day was getting closer.

I made my first appointment for my extremely degraded mental health right after separating and God damn. I was fucked up. The reason why I wasn't sleeping is due to dreaming about being killed by the countless fucking ways I had to watch others slaughtered. Apparently my brain would just not let me remember the dream and I would wake up full of sweat. Either that or have sleep paralysis and that was fucking terrifying.

I was diagnosed with severe PTSD, MDD, Anxiety and ADHD. Ya know, the air force does say analysts are weaponized autistic fucks. Proved them wrong!

It has been about 6 months since I was diagnosed and through countless sessions and medications. I sleep a full 6 hours now. I started a 401k. I am actually talking to this wonderful lady now. I still have my moments rarely, but I'm no longer crying over my pup. I actually haven't cried since I have been on medication. I feel fucking happy for once. Prior, I would just grind out work and school or certifications. Once I had nothing I needed to do or be challenged at. I would drink.

Now, I still kick ass at work, but also see there are other things that can make me happy. And for that, I am so fucking happy I finally got help.