Some days I forget just how hard grief can hit. Some days I feel so incredibly bitter at my situation and the situations of those around me. I would give anything for just 1 more minute. Anything. To have him hug me and tell me everything's going to be okay one day. Some days I forget that I'm supposed be strong. I shatter into a million tiny pieces that you couldn't ever hope to retrieve. I get so sick of being the "bigger person" and so badly want to just give up and put everything on blast. I want to stop trying. I want to stop slugging through every shitty day just to see the bottom of the hill again. But why would I? That would hurt the people around me. What's the point in all of us going through this hurt when I've already shouldered it alone for so long? I've always been the strong one. The glue. But today I don't feel strong. Today I feel weak. Today I feel tired. Today I feel drained and pained and exhausted. It's always been "he'd be so proud" but if that's the case, why do I feel like such a failure? Why do I feel the wheels falling off more, slowly, week by week? Why, why do I keep pushing? Why do I keep desperately trying to survive when everything is telling me to give up. To stop. Everything tells me that I can stop. It'd be okay. Everything tells me that maybe it's time. And I don't know how long I can keep blocking that out for. Because every day has just been getting heavier, and darker, and longer.

And I don't know how much longer I can hold on.