I (24) have been having a rough couple of years. My depression got really, really bad, and I couldn't get out of bed at all for days at a time. It went on for most of a year, I dug myself out of it and started a job out of desperation to pay bills, and I hated it. I had terrible panic attacks every day. My thoughts and moods started getting more erratic and scary. I was starting to feel so fucking tired, the most exhausted that I have ever felt in my life. I left the job once I had a terrifying out-of-body experience on my way there, and I almost died.

After, I started going to a therapist AND a psychiatrist - got diagnosed with PTSD (fucked up childhood lol). The meds that I'm on are the best I've been put on, I definitely see the difference as I'm at least psychically able to move most days. I've been going to therapy for a couple of months and have been doing everything suggested (work through my feelings, journal, eating right, exercising, doing activities that are supposed to fill fulfilling, yoga) but it's not really working.

I know it's not an overnight thing, but seriously, I do not feel good. I hate that all of my life is just me doing shit I don't want to do. I am even in more debt because of the therapy, and I know I have to get a job and that makes me feel like burying myself alive in cement. To think about going back out there and having to force myself to do things that make me uncomfortable and be put in fucked up situations and get yelled at and harassed - I don't wanna fucking do it, I dont wanna torture myself for no reason. Yea sure I do this and I get out of debt, but then what? I don't really feel happy about anything. I don't have a dream career, I've been wanting to die since I was like 10 I honestly didn't even think I would see my 20s.

Yea, I should be thankful for my family and friends I have and that I have a working healthy body, but I don't. I know its fucked up but I don't care. Nothing seems worth being so fucking miserable all the time. I am so fucking sad all the time and I'm tired of feeling like that, it's exhausting. I know I don't have it the worst, Im not trying to throw myself a pity party - but I just dont wanna do it I can't cope. If I could give my parts away of my body to other people that could use it, I would in a heartbeat.

Everyone just tells me Im young and to keep going for when I DO feel better but Ive been waiting for things to get better for a REALLY long time. I think it is kinda selfish for the people around me to sit around and tell me to just bear the pain when Im telling them I cant and dont want to. So now what? What can I do to kill my feelings so I just zombie through this shit like everyone says I should.

Honestly, I'll never be the person i want to be, not because I don't think I can't do it or that I'm not worth it, because I will never have the time or resources. Because I have to do all the things I don't want to do, because that's life and thats the hand ive been dealt with. The small amount of bliss I get its when I daydream or when I get high and start thinking about stupid shit, but if Im just gonna look forward to being high the rest of my life I might as well have a drug overdose now and get it over with,

tldr; i am depressed, nothing really makes me happy, I don't really look forward to anything. Everything is just kinda bleh no matter what I do. Too scared to fail at kms. So what do I do? How do I just keep going? How do I cope living when its something I never wanted to do?