on december 2019 my grandfather collapsed, i forgot the entire reason why but we all thought he was going to die. i remember having a breakdown in the school bathroom after receiving the news and a teacher having to console me. anyways, he's been bedridden ever since. our ancestral home has a guesthouse and thats where he's been at, it became a makeshift hospital room for him.

when we arrived we got tested so itd be safe for us to go into the house. we tested negative and my mom asked if i wanted to go see him and i said no. but i stood by the door. the guesthouse is small. what used to be the dining area is where his hospital bed is. there were wires and an oxygen tank. his physical therapist was there and i saw his foot twitch. my mom was talking to my grandfather casually like he would talk back. i was expecting him to respond, to say "oh! when did u arrive?? are the kids here?" but nothing. my grandfather was strong and active before he was bedridden, we had a huge lot with tons of plants and he liked to walk around there. our backyard faces a rainforest and i know theres a shed in there where he used to sit in and read sometimes. i kept thinking of that while i stared at his twitching foot. his legs were do thin. so were his hands as the therapist did his job. i was so scared that the therapist would break his arm, he looked so fragile. then i just couldn't look anymore and ran to the garage to sob. it was the type that made ur chest tighten and ur head hurt. i couldn't breathe, it felt like i was mourning for someone even tho they were still alive. i kept thinking abt how the last time i saw him in that guest house was May 2019, he was reading a book about dogs. he pointed to a picture when he noticed me and said he wanted a beagle. we were gonna buy him a beagle for christmas. obviously we couldn't anymore..

its been two days since then and my grandmother told me abt how he developed schizophrenia, i just said "okay." this morning i went inside the guesthouse just to bring food for the nurse but i didnt get close enough to look at him. the moment i set down the tray i left to get back to the main house. I'll try to say hi tomorrow. he wont respond, he'll probably twitch his foot or try to nod. i dont think he remembers me. but i need to talk to him because it might be my last chance to do so. for now i just,, i cant. i dont want to cry in front of him. hes still alive.