We grew up together, our families were close (and still are), and his sister is one of my best friends. Our childhoods were constantly intertwined - parties, trips, religious ceremonies. I can't even remember a time when I wasn't crushing on him. He's the only man to ever make my heart pound, cry like a schoolgirl, get butterflies from just the thought of him. I didn't realize until about a year ago that I was in love with him.

When we were kids, we'd have sleepovers all the time and we'd find any reason to fall sleep near each other. As we got a bit older, we'd kiss, cuddle, share intimate moments. After graduating high school, he went off into the military, traveled the world. When he'd come back to visit, he'd tell me stories about all the women he's slept with, all the places he's seen, things he'd learn. Those stories about other women never bothered me, I was happy to see him grow into this beautiful, cultured, funny, young man. I sat and listened to everything he had to say, probably with googly eyes because I was just so happy to be around him.

The last couple years have been different though. We're a bit older now and my feelings for him haven't shifted. It's easy to not think of him as much when he's away, since we're hardly ever in contact. But when he comes back to visit, all of those feelings hit me like a huge fucking tidal wave. I'm not able to sleep nights before I know he'll be back in New York. I get random spews of anxiety and excitement, literally counting the hours before I could see him. Even thinking of him now gets my heart racing.

I don't know why I feel so bonded to him. I feel like we were meant to be, in a way. I'm not even a sentimental person or someone who believes in fate, so everything I feel for him confuses me.

Our rollercoaster relationship all started 2019, when he was visiting during Christmas. My family got a huge, gorgeous Airbnb to spend Christmas eve/day at, so of course him and his family were invited to enjoy the house with us. We all partied, had a ton of fun, and naturally I drank a little too much. At the end of the night while everyone else were getting ready for bed, I took his hand and asked him to follow me. This house had an intense river rapids in the backyard. The moonlight his presence made the night feel so magical. We walked, sat, talked, shivered, held each other for hours. (Now this is going to sound really corny) but, I was laying on the rocks at one point, he got up to lean over me and just stared into my eyes. He said a lot of sweet things. I felt as if he wanted to go in for a kiss. We hadn't kissed since we were teenagers, so I was nervous as hell. But he didn't. He just held our faces close together and planted one on my forehead. At that point I figured, "OK, this must be all in my head, a made up fantasy, I'm being friendzoned." And all of this was entirely possible, that he just cared for me because we grew up together, spent a lot of quality time together, etc. But, it felt like I was in a Nicolas Sparks novel. I just enjoyed the moment while it lasted. He went back to Japan the next day and we didn't speak for another year.

Fast forward to 2020, when he visited home around the 4th of July. Our big cousin group got together in the city to watch the Macy's firework display. As we were in line for the bag check, he was turned down at security for having a backpack, they just weren't allowed. I offered to walk with him back to the car to put it away. And so we did. But when we got back, we were told that no one else is able to enter the area. We were bummed, going the see the fireworks was all his idea and I was sad to see him disappointed. I tried cheering him up, so I came up with the idea of sneaking into some random building's rooftop. For legal reasons I won't say how we made it up there, but we did, and we had a blast doing it :D. We had a rooftop to ourselves, with the BEST fucking view of the fireworks. I found myself feeling like a Nicolas Sparks novel again, feeling the magic - we were posted up watching, taking pictures and selfies, dancing, screaming. The last few minutes of the show, we just stared into each others eyes again. It was so romantic. I wanted to kiss him (and later that day, he texted me that I should've). I avoided it because I had coffee breath and didn't want to ruin the moment. Which obviously I regret now >.<

He came back to visit in 2021. His dad wanted to drive down to Florida for a little vacation. My little sister, my cousin, and myself joined them on the trip. It was a brutal drive but having him in a car with me for 18 hours straight made every minute entirely bearable. He kept me company while it was my turn to drive, and I did the same for him. The trip itself was a lot of fun. During the first night, we went out to a club in Orlando near our hotel. We danced together, and were heavily drinking and somehow ended up making out right by the bar. He asked me if I wanted to ditch our cousins and leave with him. I said yes almost immediately. And so we left, hand in hand, running around Orlando, kissing at every stoplight, sitting on his lap on every bench we saw. He blubbered on about him and I, how he thinks I should be his girlfriend, etc. I was so drunk and on the verge of throwing up so I couldn't respond properly to his words. I just knew how good it felt, how long I've waited to hear those words. When we walked back to the hotel, I asked him if he wanted to hop in the pool with me. He agreed, we changed into our bathing suits and met each other in the pool. We swam around, and kissed. Things got heavy this time and we ended up having sex right then and there. It was definitely the hottest sex I've ever had. All passion, all magic. I was hopelessly in love with this man. We ended up sleeping together every night of the trip, every time just as magical as the last. When we got back to New York, he spent his last night with me, mostly just chatting and confessing feelings. The idea of me becoming his girlfriend again was never brought up again, and I was fine with it, I didn't want to put pressure on us, since he still had a year left in the military.

I was devastated when he left. I missed him in a different way this time. I felt like my feelings for him were being reciprocated and that it wasn't just all in my head. He told me he would take me out on a proper date the next time he saw me. We texted a few months after, lots of flirting, "I miss yous", etc. The texting started to get a bit dry after a while so I figured he was just busy. So I let it go and just waited till I heard from him about his next visit.

I never did. I had heard from his sister that was supposed to be back in NY in January 2022. I thought he would text me at some point, or surprise me or something. I was excited to see him. But when he got here, I still didn't hear from him - a few days went by and I texted him. No reply. So I asked his sister and she told me that he's driven upstate to see his friends for the week. The WHOLE week of his visit. I felt so heartbroken knowing that I wasn't going to be able to see him, and especially hurt because he didn't reach out.

I was upset, sent him a pretty long, angry paragraph and blocked him. I haven't seen him since he held me in his arms that last night. It's been quite the ride, and it still hurts like hell. Today I found out he's got a girlfriend. I saw their pictures in a screenshot my cousin sent me. I've been crying all day, took my anger out in the gym earlier. I feel empty. I haven't felt this way in a very long time.

The worst part is that he looks so happy with her. And I'm genuinely happy that he's happy. Fuck, it hurts though. But typing out my feelings here on Reddit is already making me feel better. If you've read this far in, thank you so much for listening to me vent <3