It's crazy, I never thought that I would post about my darkness on reddit since I had close friends that checked up on my consistently hut whenever I talk with them now....I just feel like burdening them but I need an outlet to just keep my head on straight.

Every since 2019, I have lost 10 ppl that were close to me that I would've trusted them with life. These ppl were the reason I was able to smile and feel excited about seeing tomorrow. I talked to them everyday and tried to meet with once a day but now they are are gone...its just feels like im isolated. I feel like I'm closed off and that the new ppl that I have met and gotten somewhat close with just don't care to understand the darkness I have carried for years.

On top of that, I found a someone special that I want to be more close with and eventually get with. She is self-dependent, enjoys having a good time, and has an infectious smile. So, I tried to be here support pillar and tried to help her as much as I could. But, after talking with her in a group setting she seems VERY detached from everyone and everything. She doesn't process ppl passing away at all (completely moves on and shrugs it off), she doesn't get close with anyone, and doesn't trust anyone. She constantly talks about dating around and never settling down cuz she thinks is a big joke. I understand ppl have their preferences in their life styles but why going around looking to get ur heart broken over and over then complain about it then keep doing it. With all my past relationships and how I have been overall, I always to try help ppl becuz I want to pay forward everyone who has helped me no matter who they are. I know it sounds like I'm projecting my feels and expectations, but whenever we talk, she gets real with me and opens up ALOT more just randomly in person. But, whenever I ask our mutually friend if she has any interest in me, he makes it sound like she is some what disgusted by me...being nice to her and comforting her...it just blows mind that me acting like a nice person is just a bad thing for her.

My friend's advice is use a dating app but it's just not me, I'm more into meeting someone naturally then dating, rather then flirting anonymously then meeting. Dating apps don't work most of the time, only a small margin of relationships last more then a year.

I have gone through life hoping that I would meet someone special who could connect with my as a friend and get close enough to be my rock. It just seems no matter how much I hope things pick up and I start acting like myself, is when life just decides to take it all away again.