Growing up, it was drilled into me from an early age by very people who were supposed to love, care, and support me that I can't rely on anyone but myself. I've been told that it's a good thing because at least they're honest about their positions and that I shouldn't ever expect sympathy, understanding, support, or even love from them. You never really know how an upbringing really effects you until you have time to reflect on it.

My trauma response is Hyper-independence and social isolation. Because I know I can't ask anyone to do anything for me because they won't do it and it won't get done unless I do it myself.. but that also makes me avoid creating and maintaining interpersonal relationships.. and engaging in toxic relationships out of the inherent desperation to feel.. cared about. To matter.

My trauma therapist says that I have been depersonalizing and derealizing reality, my life, my interactions, and my relationships. She says that I live my life as if I am just a spectator to the show and that my ever present SI is due to the fact that.. I do not feel.. like I matter or am cared about. Which is true.

The reason I have decided to write these posts isn't for sympathy or prayers or help. It's because recent studies have shown that the vast majority of people who commit suicide DO in fact show signs and DO in fact tell others, but it's brushed off or it's buried because it's an ugly reality people don't want to face.

I am not currently suicidal. I do not plan to kill myself right now and I do not have any plans for it in my near future. But, ever since I started really facing these thoughts at the tender age of 11, I knew that that is how my life would end. That is still how I believe my life will end.

This post will perhaps get lost in time like the others have, but the reason that I am posting this tonight is because I have lost.many people over the years; quite a few to addictions and suicides. And I have bit my tongue until it bled while I listened to the people who KNEW and did nothing say the same face saving lies that they didn't know and that they never saw this happening and that they didn't understand. There has not been a singular death in my life that I could say they didn't tell anybody or nobody knew of their demons.

So, to conclude, this is.your explanation. This is your notification. This is to ensure not a singular person says that they didn't fucking know. You can be indifferent or otherwise to me in my life, but I hope you'll do the right thing and not feign ignorance towards my death.