My grandfather passed last night. We've known that it was coming for a while, for 20 years, my entire life I have been helping take care of him. He had PLS (think Steven Hawking) and was unable to talk or really move on his own without assistance. My earliest memory is of him (when he still had some mobility) using a walker to go to the bathroom. Because of helping him all my life it has made me help and think of others people needs over all else, and hours after his death all I can think about is how I failed him. How I could have done more, how I could have gone to see him more often, just anything. For 6 years he has had a DNR (do not resusitate) so when I got the call saying I need to see him I knew. Watching them pull out all the IVs and removing the machine that was breathing for him killed me.

I think the worse part about it all is that I feel nothing, I cried at the hospital but I don't feel anything, I'm numb. I should feel something, I've spent my whole life taking care of this man and now that he is gone I feel nothing. I don't know if I'm just not processing it or if I accepted this long ago and was just waiting for it to happen.

I got a dream job at the end of 2020, then Covid hit, then both my grandfather's pass away within 6 months. Everytime something good happens the universe says fuck you and takes thing away. What's the point in good things if all that's going to happen is for it to be destroyed and ruined.

I miss him.