I'm angry. I'm angry at a lot of things. My dad died when I was 8, his mother when I was 15, and my mother 6 months ago, and 18. I'm responsible for dealing with all of my mom's stuff without her, and I'm so overwhelmed. She had a prior roommate, and I allowed him to stay there, and he constantly is rushing me on getting her things out so he can live there comfortably. Like, hey asshole, this was my mother's stuff. and she's gone. I can't do it all at once.

I'm angry at her for leaving me here alone. She had been sick for years. She had a stroke when I was 15, and was diagnosed with CHF (congestive heart failure) a year later. She was admitted into the E.R from her work, and I met her there. By the time I got to the E.R, she was already sedated and intubated and her Dr. told me she had a 25% chance of making it out of there. 3 weeks later she left the hospital, and as soon as we left, she asked me to give her a cigarette. (Cigarette smoking being the sole reason for her CHF and stroke, among the other issues she had.)

I begged her to stop, prayed for her to, but she continued to smoke until the day she died.

I'm angry because I quit cutting my self because I saw how much it was hurting her, but she REFUSED to stop smoking for me. And because she wouldn't stop, she died. And now I'm here, barely 19, alone, dealing with things no 19 year old should.

I'm just so fucking angry