It's so heavy. It hurts so much. I just don't know how much more I can take.

He left so suddenly. Without a word. And I never knew why. Like that whole year didn't mean anything. Like nothing I did for him meant anything.

I've tried. I've tried for so long and so hard to move on. I've done all the work. The gym, friends, going out, working, everything. I try to give myself that closure. But at the end of the day, I just fall back into the abyss. And life isn't worth it.

Every day, I pray. I pray for the day I could just get one conversation. One last one. To say goodbye properly. And tell him the things I've learned. But I don't think it's coming. I don't think God also thinks I deserve it.

Because I didn't matter to him. I never mattered. No matter what I did, and how many times I was there for him. I didn't matter.