Everyday I feel so anxious that I could easily lay in bed and feel content doing nothing but that makes me more anxious. It’s a constant cycle of thoughts bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m on meds, sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. I have a panic attack med (Ativan) but I can’t get it too often because it’s a highly addictive med so I usually only get it once a month. I have a highly addictive personality and I was on Abilify that ramped up my addictions. It almost ruined my life but I stopped taking the Abilify and my mind has settled down a little. I’m tired of feeling helpless and lost in my own head. Most of the time I feel like I’m drowning in my thoughts. I wish I could dissociate all day long but I have too many responsibilities for that. My children need a father that can get his shit together and be stronger for them. People I considered my best friends don’t even talk to me anymore and it hurts but I have to let it be. If they don’t want me in their life anymore then so be it. I miss having friends I could hang out with every day. None of my “friends” have made actual efforts to be apart of my life after I had children with my gf. I always had to text first and ask to hangout. Shit happens, I get it, but I miss these people. Maybe I should reach out more but I’m tired of being the one that always has to do that. People need other people outside of their family, at least some people do. I miss having fun. I miss coming out of my shell. I’m going to be 30 in 2025 but I feel like I’m turning 60. I’m lonely, depressed, and trying to keep myself afloat. Life sucks sometimes but I have a good life and I just need to hold onto that. The last month has been rough but that’s a part of life. I’m going to be okay, it’s just one day at a time.