Hello, I’m a 16-year-old male who was recently diagnosed with depression, ADHD, and anxiety. However, I’ve always kind of known that I had these conditions. Since I was about 13, I’ve realized I don’t like being alone and have always sought out relationships. I loved the idea of having a boyfriend, even though I wasn’t out then and still am not now.

From around 13 or 14, I started going on NSFW sites and Discord servers. I liked the attention and found myself drawn to sexual interactions with both men and women. I also realized I’ve always had an attraction to older guys. Back then, I didn’t care much about who they were or what they looked like as long as I was getting the attention I craved. Now, I still prefer older guys but care more about how they treat me and whether they match my energy.

For a few years, I lied about my age, saying I was 18 to attract my “ideal type.” This went on across platforms like Omegle and Discord. Then, in early July of this year, I downloaded Reddit and started doing the same thing (on a different Reddit account that I’ve since deleted).

On July 19, I met someone I’ll call Tegan. He’s 35 and has a criminal record. He’s still being monitored by the state for something he did about 15 years ago. I didn’t know about his past at first. We met online, exchanged Snapchats, and had an all-night conversation about ourselves. Initially, I wasn’t looking for a relationship, especially an illegal one. About a week and a half in, I told him my real age. He hung up, saying he needed time to think. After a few hours, though, we decided to stay together but agreed to stop the NSFW activities.

A few weeks later, those activities resumed. I know this may sound crazy to anyone who doesn’t understand love, but this was the happiest I’ve ever felt in my life. We spent all day on calls, and he would keep an earbud in while working. During my summer break, I’d play games and listen to him work. He helped me cope with a lot of the trauma I’ve experienced, including being sexually assaulted and abused when I was younger. He became the person I could lean on for everything.

There were issues, of course. He lived 16 hours away, the relationship was illegal, and he was a walking red flag to anyone who didn’t take the time to know him. Most people would find this situation disturbing or insane, and I can’t blame them for feeling that way. But for me, it was the best I’d ever felt—until November 7.

Four months into our relationship, we had moved past the honeymoon phase. We’d had a few fights but nothing major. That day, I told him I was going to take a nap. He said, “Okay, love you. Have a good nap.” When I woke up two hours later, I tried calling him, but there was no answer. I texted and checked his location, which hadn’t changed. At first, I didn’t think much of it. But by nighttime, I was worried. He’d never gone to bed or left for work without saying goodbye or telling me he loved me.

After some digging, I found out he was on an inmate list—he’d been arrested. Since then, I haven’t gone a single night without crying or texting him. I’ve probably texted him more since his arrest than we ever texted while he was free. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like I’ve lost 99% of myself. I’m back to being lost and more depressed than ever. I’m on four different medications, still self-harming, and feeling emptier than I ever have before. It’s like I lost the only person who truly cared about me.

I know no one will understand where I’m coming from but if anyone has any advice or words to say let me know thank you for reading this and I hope no hate will come my way it’s been hard enoucgh…