I can't let people be nice to me without trying to figure out what their motives are. I can't talk about my feelings without searching for a sign of anger in their eyes. Raised voices and sudden movements makes me flinch. Everyone seems to be on the verge of abandoning me. The closer I get to people, there more scared I get that they'll realise I'm not that great.

If I allow myself to open up, I am inviting them to hurt me. My head has been spinning these past few days. Everything is all so overwhelming. I never asked for any of it. If I have nothing, I can lose nothing. How can things happen so suddenly and derail my life like this?

How could anyone truly appreciate me? I feel ugly, stupid, boring, lazy. My insecurities invite further abuse and I know I wouldn't stop it.

My sex drive is dead, I feel ugly, my entire being hurts. I have lost myself completely, I am rotting away. Time is blurry. Every hour is spent waiting for something and I'm not even sure what that something is.

My days are amazing when I'm with people. There are moments I feel as though I'm on cloud 9. When inevitably alone again, I feel a deep sadness and emptiness. I've never been one to need company so often but I can barely spend an hour alone now.

I think if I were pretty, I would be okay. I would be accepted fully and loved deeply.