Hey Everyone. I don't go by my actual name as I call it my dead name. So I go by Kaspian or Kailena. I am androgynous, 29 going on 30 August 30th at the end of this dreadful month. I am almost 30 years old and I have absolutely nothing to show for in my life. I grew up in a loveless home, a Tiger Asian Mom who is a complete sociopath who has no regards to how anyone feels unless it benefited her, a Marine Dad who made me sit on his lap and kiss him when I didn't want to as a kid and wanted me to join the military, because his son died(who would be 50 present day) in the Marine Corps back in the day, a spoiled-control freak ass younger sister who is 28 and will be 29 in December who is spoiled beyond belief, two older sisters who are workaholics and one works for a lawyer's firm with a rich husband, has a beautiful daughter who is 16 and gets her own car, and one who had 2 failed marriages and lives alone now and works. I have no relationship with any of my family members due to them giving unrealistic expectations for my life that I will NEVER live up to. I am a survivor of Sex Trafficking, Rape, Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence, Physical/Emotional Abuse from the age of 10 all the way until the age of 29 at the end of February 2024 when it finally stopped.

Past PlayBack Events:

Rape:

I was 10 years old when I ran away from home when I met someone in school and he said it wouldn't work out. So he set me up with his cousin who was in the Army. I ran to the end of my driveway at home, it was cold and I ran into the car back seat, drank this soda with a roofie in it unknowingly and remember the last thing I saw was the stars, moon, and how dark it was, the roof was tan in the car. I woke up with him and his friend violently shaking me and he made me put on his hoodie to go inside the red top house so no one saw me. I was in there and he said how beautiful I looked. He undressed me and made me have sex with him. I felt so scared, but didn't do anything. He then violently raped me with a wooden utensil toy he carved and he used on me. I was bleeding so bad, but didn't say anything. I was stuck there. I remember it was a work day for him and the sound of Guns N Roses playing for hours at night until finally he turned it off after having sex with me multiple times. His friend was a drug addict I am almost sure, he would kiss me with his breath smelling like a dirty ashtray and his teeth were stained yellow. when the main guy wasn't around. He left later on and I remember hearing a loud knocking and he peeked through the peep hole. He told me to get in the tub and don't move. I got into the bathtub and hid in it. It was gross and full of dirty army uniforms and a big dresser was in the way of the tub so no one could see anything. I heard police radios, I knew it was Military Police, because I recognize it(1st and 2nd marriage now I know what they sound like and terminology they use), He said everything is good officer and I didn't see a little girl around. They eventually left. He lit up a cigarette in the living room and came over to me and said come here baby girl. I went to him and I sat on his lap. He said I'm sorry about that. I didn't want them to take you away from me. I stayed in his lap and cried and told him about my parents and how I hated it there. He said I want to bring you everywhere with me, but I can't risk me getting caught or you in trouble. He said I am going to take you home okay? So later that night he rushed me in a black hoodie of his and I rushed into the car. Eventually I got home and ran as fast as I could to my house, I broke into the sliding door(It was loose enough) and went to whisper under my little sister's door telling her hey I'm home. She would quietly open the door and hug me. I was scared and went back to my room and stayed in the covers and held my black puppy stuffed animal. My mom then would later be woken up to me crying, she said what the HELL!! Then my dad woke up. The cops were called and my mom said I don't believe anything happened, you were just having sex, because you can. My dad was upset and walked away..he was the only one who believed what happened to me. My mom dropped the case, because she didn't believe a damn thing. My oldest sister I called on the phone and told her to come home and begged her to come home as I was sobbing scared. She came to the house as she no longer lived with us and stayed in my bedroom with me and gave me a Hello Kitty stuffed animal. This is where my love for Hello Kitty came about. That's the end of the story.

First Marriage:

My first marriage was in 2013 to a guy in the Army. He was perfect in everyway. He would stay to himself. The moment he changed was later on and he would become violent, control what I said, dressed like, made me have sex with him when I didn't want to, just because I was his wife. I felt so out of place and he spoke for me anytime someone asked me something. I felt trapped. One night he had so much to drink, he raped me and I conceived my daughter. I haven't seen her in 3 years. She is 7 now. He has full custody and of course no one believed me, because he had such a great soldier attitude and demeanor(what a bunch of bullshit). Eventually he got a divorce from me and married someone from his hometown he told me originally not to worry about. What a fucking joke, right? Smh. Anywho I think after he punched holes near my head, restrained me, and did other unspeakable things, I should have just left, but I couldn't help but think maybe I could change him. He uses parental alienation and his new wife is doing the same. All I'm going to say is my daughter will know who I am at some point and she will know that lady isn't her real mom, because she looks nothing like her.

Second Marriage:

My second marriage was in October 2022 to a guy in the Marine Corps. I was married to my soon to be 2nd ex husband. He was everything I could ever ask for(at first); he was tall, strong, his eyes were a beautiful blue, and had such a way with words. Things begin to change when his best friend in the military whom he trusted so dearly to come check on me, sexually assaulted/raped/manipulated me when I was weak, vulnerable, and scared. I was 85lbs at the time and it happened for months and he told me not to tell anyone as he already lost everything when someone in his family passed away tragically. No one believed me and my voice was silenced when I spoke up, because I hid weapons in my room to protect myself as I was scared someone would break in and try to kill me. I suffered from an eating disorder that prevented me from eating normal foods as the Fear of choking and vomiting from this horrible event put so much psychological stress on me i forgot how to do the basic function: eating/swallowing normally. During these times I would get so frustrated, because I couldn't eat normally and I felt as though my husband at the time would ignore/not take my health seriously and only to take me to the hospital to get out of work or when he thought my health wasn't important enough and huffed about taking me to the hospital when I had a serious condition. Looking at normal people eating meals made me sick and I grew cold/bitter. How could he let this happen to me? He was supposed to protect me? I had people stalking me in a car outside my house and random numbers they took from the military log of the spouses' numbers so they could get in contact with me. I was so scared to leave my house, but I had to; because I needed food and water and such at the commissary on base. I ALWAYS felt watched. When he eventually got out of the military he refused to work and when he had a job I told him to consider finding a higher paying one and get mental health help/possible medication management as the current one wasn't paying enough and I needed to get my medicines and food for myself as working in my current condition of still being underweight, being sick 24/7, and not mentally well wasn't the best idea to start work for myself. He eventually left me this year. The Trauma bond we had was extremely toxic and it was killing me by the day Physically and mentally. I recently got diagnosed with Bipolar and Autism. I now am still suffering with my eating disorder, Bipolar, Autism, ADHD, and DID

Present Day:

I am 29 years old and will be 30 on August 30th. There is so much more to my story, but I'll leave it at these events, because I'm sure most of you won't read this. I feel like a failure. I dropped out of college 4 times and I know it wasn't for me. I stripped for 12 years and recently stopped January 2024 of this year. I recently found a work from home job, but I hope this works for me as I can't work a real job due to no car and I live with my boyfriend who is now going to deploy soon. I only have my driver's permit and just realized that when my boyfriend looked at my license, he said I'm sorry baby, but your first ex husband lied to you and that is just a drivers permit. I am worried I am falling apart and losing myself so much. I am such a fucking failure. Why do I have to fucking suffer like this? I just want to be successful so bad, but it is impossible. It doesn't matter how many positive thoughts I have, eventually they just come crashing down and I fucking spiral right into this shit. Thanks to my mental illnesses. Yes, I am on antidepressants, but Idk for how long due to me not having health insurance anymore. I can't get approved for Medicaid or whatever it is called and my teeth need work to and I don't have dental insurance either. Everything is always trying to kill me and bring me down with it. Why do I feel like my whole life is in a fucking viscious cycle with no pauses or time to breathe. I feel like I have nothing to show for except for the fact that I'm alive which counts I guess. WHY COULDN'T I HAVE JUST HAD A FUCKING HEALTHY LIFE FOR ONCE WITH HEALTHY PEOPLE IN IT.

Well, that's my rant. Toodles.