My bf and I have been dating almost a month now long distance but have known each other for a little over 2 years.

For context on how we met: I had met this girl online, let’s call her C, she and I dated for the longest time but it never really moved past calling and sending pictures. I rarely got to hear her voice and I never saw her face on video. On top of that, there were periods of time where she wouldn’t text me at all, and it only got longer over time. I wouldn’t know where she was or who to turn to except him and his sister at the time and we developed a really close relationship but it almost never went passed friends until recently and I was so happy it did, I had feelings for him for such a long time and he always made me smile when I was in my darkest times, I still feel such strong love for him. C and I had broken up once I found out that the reason she was gone was because she got into a massive fight with my now bf for reasons I won’t go into now. But it was gruesome and needless to say, she’s in jail now and I found out that she looked nothing like who she said she was. I was being catfished for 2 years and was actually in love with a social media influencer’s pictures.

Fast forward to now: My bf was dating this guy we’ll call W. W is a massive piece of work to put it lightly and never fully accepted bf for who he is. Never used his real name (my bf is trans and prefers he/him pronouns), always made fun of him for his problems (I.E. slf hrm/s**cidal thoughts). Towards the brunt half of it, I confessed. It was eating me up inside that I had to wait and it was a really selfish moment of mine. I wanted him out, I wanted him safe, I wanted him loved and accepted. After a while together he eventually broke up with W and we were pretty well off all things considered. Until today. He was going to a church event and couldn’t text much while I was heading into work when I get a text saying that he had passed out and was sent home. I was shocked and asking if he was okay and if there was anything I could do. This lead to him eventually telling me he was okay, his vitals were normal and then saying “I wish I could just be around the kids and helping them! I wish I could be near W!”. My heart sank. Everything went blurry. It felt like I had been sucker punched by the world’s best boxer. I frantically started asking what he meant and he went and admitted he still had feelings for W and wanted to marry him before he met me. Enraged I take it as that he wanted to leave me and abandon me like C did. This leads to him saying that all he wanted was to be comforted in his medical scare and I didn’t do that for him. Then he began to ramble on about how much he wanted W. And here I am at work, my computer in IT because it had a massive error code, nothing to do while I wait other than sit with what just happened and do nothing. I feel so disgusting and so useless. I just wish I could go back and change what happened. I wish I could be there with him instead of here.