When will I stop feeling like the second/third/etc option? When will I feel like someone’s first thought of the day? When will I stop worrying if I’m lovable or even likable? What about me if wrong? What can I do to make people actually like me and genuinely care for me? What did I do in this life or a previous one so that I feel so fucking alone? It’s not a comforting loneliness but a crushing one that makes me hard to really want to continue my boring day to day routines. Like is this just my life now? Is this the new normal I have to get used to? I hate it. I hate it so much and I want to just shut down and shut off the world right now

I get the whole thing of de-centering love and romance but it’s not even romantically. I feel like I’m just a convenient person around for friends or even family. Don’t get me wrong I love my family and best friends to pieces but I always feel like it’s never equal reciprocation. The unfortunate thing is that I know for some it’s not equal reciprocation and I just accept it for what it is cause if not then I’ll really have nothing. They’re also not awful people or anything, I just don’t matter much in the grand scheme of their lives.

Genuinely just venting into the void since I need some outlet for these feelings before I really just get overwhelmed by it all