Little bit of background info, I had pretty much no friends my entire life, I was always the weird nerdy kid that could never make any meaningful connections with anyone, everybody hated me pretty much. But when I was 15, I found my first two real friends! Friends I've known ever since.

Anyways I'm 21 now, a while back one pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth and I hear from him a couple times a year, that's always nice when I actually get to hear from him though. But the other one, let's call him Y, he's been the only person I ever hang out with, the only person I can ever talk to, he's been the person I can trust and rely on the most throughout my entire life. I can't even really trust my family that much, he's always been a very important person to me, and with how open I am with me, I thought he would've been just as open with me, I even openly invite him to be.

Anyways uh, we just had a trip somewhere together, just got back a few days ago, during said trip I felt like he was a bit agitated with me from time to time, but whenever I asked him what was on his mind he just said he was tired, so I left it at that.

A while ago, I got a text from him, it was basically an essay describing everything he's always hated about me, from how loud I am, to the kinds of jokes that I make in public (that he always joked back in the same way with...) playful jabs I've made that have seriously offended him over the years, lots of other things too and... He's just never told me about any of this, I'm not gonna try and reason with him, I told him I hope he has a good life and left it at that, but why the fuck couldn't he have told me all the ways I upset him sooner? I've known him for six years damnit! Friends are supposed to be real with each other when they're getting on each other's nerves right? I think? I could've addressed all of those complaints and fixed them before they were problems, but instead because I'm a fucking idiot that doesn't pick up on people's emotions properly, I just lost my best and only real friend and I'm just, more in shock than anything else. Kinda mad, kinda heartbroken, a lot of shock. I feel especially hurt because this is the shit everyone else I've ever met hated me for, and I thought I had someone I could get along with despite my flaws and fuck ups, now I just feel like I'm a horrendous evil person that can't get along with anyone.

So uh yeah guess I'm just gonna... Not have anybody in my life, until I get bored of that and put myself out there more. Might cry a bit in a few days when the shock dies down. And yeah I get this is ultimately my fault, but that's what makes it feel even worse.