I can joke all day, but I'm honestly just stuck in a small town with no career jobs around that don't require you to have to know how when you sign up. No money, no partner. No partner, feel lonely. It's a tale old as time. But even at nearly 20 I'm still a virgin. The issue is deeper that that though though. I've never felt wanted by somebody that way. And if I'm being real, I wish I could get put of work to come home to somebody who just cares I'm there as much as I do them.

I'm sort of at a loss. I'm so close yet so far from the goal. I don't want to continue on like this.

I have unaddressed health concerns, simply because of the time it's taking to get coverage (in a way that's usable), I can't seem to make myself feel loved from the inside, and I'm usually biting back tears. Either from memories, anxiety, or too much time with screens. Lack of sleep, stating at my work.

I wonder if I'll die alone. I'm afraid of being unlovable, because it feels like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

And that thought is always followed up by "is this the fate I deserve?"

Is it? Can't really say. I'm a wreck of emotions and my mind is a cluster fuck of uncertain memories that don't make sense.

I can't think about the past or future without tensing everything and getting emotional. What is wrong with me?

Hooray. Well, if you need me, I'll be over here. Being by myself.

Im not trying to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I just feel stupid and unattractive. I'm afraid it'll keep me from being able to have a partner for most of my life. I'm not sure I'm right for somebody else, and it makes the desire to feel loved also feel selfish. Is it selfish?

My mind is always racing unless there's music or "medicine" involved.

Part of me wants to feel accepted, and the other fears rejection.

I'm going to sound like a damn baby, but all I really want is a snuggle and a kiss to get me by. It doesn't even matter who's big spoon or little spoon. I want to feel somebody laying by my side, and know that in the morning they'll be happy I'm there.

Do we all feel cold in our chest? Like it's just getting colder inside sometimes? Anybody?

I don't know what the point of this is. I'm honestly not sure who's bothering to read this so far down.

I'm lonely. I guess I could have just wrote that. But it feels so plain and painless to say it in two words.

I'm getting to a point where I'm having a hard time crying when I should be able to let off steam. I can't be as open as before.

I kinda wish there was an easy way if saying I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not quite like the rest in some of the ways that count, and I'm getting tired. Not of not being the same, but of the way life has been. I don't want to check out, and miss everything, but when everything that's happening sucks most of the time, it looks like a great idea.

I just want some gentle love and care, and to have somebody I can just give love and care to. I'm willing to move countries for "the one" as they say. I just need to find somebody who cares.