i feel so hopeless right now. I don’t know if i’ll ever not be lonely. am i cooked? like is it seriously that fucking hard to find someone that’s going to love me for who i am? not the face and body they see? not for my appearance or skin, but just who i fucking AM inside??? its like everyone i meet already has preconceived notions about me and honestly im so exhausted from it. i dont even have the energy to prove myself otherwise.

for context, im a black 19 year old girl. i live in west texas in a predominantly hispanic and white community. Ive always lived in places where im a minority, so ive gotten used to it, but recently im so disappointed. ever since i started dating, ive come to a realization that im the least desirable woman someone would choose. My objective attractiveness doesn’t seem to really matter anymore. I’m black before im anything else. (idk if this is too vulnerable but i’m high and i don’t care right now.

every single man i talk to that isn’t black, talks about how im black. it’s either

“i’ve never been with a black girl!! my type is [insert literally anything but a black girl] !”

or “i love black queens!”/compares me to a food, sexualizes my race.

and im sorry but im so done with both of these. I hate it. i hate being told how im the exact opposite of someone’s type. i hate hearing how a black girl is the one race someone would never date. i’m so tired of it. not even dating inside my race helps because black men fucking love any other type of woman than their own( in my town) it’s like people find me attractive, but when they’re thinking of a wife or just a long term girlfriend, i’m not what pops up in their head. i don’t match their description. if anyone could build their perfect woman, i wouldn’t share any traits with her.

i just want to feel desired without feeling sexualized

i’m so tired of being looked over because of my appearance.

i hate that my personally and trauma are the real things that keep people away from me

i just want something real.