I think on some level I have a fear of love, rather a fear of intimacy. I’m 19 and trans (amab) and I’ve been in two relationships in my life, in both of them ive been manipulated, taken advantage of, had my feelings invalidated, and treated like shit. It feels like no matter what I’m never going to have someone love me for who I am, rather than someone love me for who they think I am. The last time I was really intimate with someone was a few months ago. We were friends for years and up until a few months ago she told me that she when she was younger she had feelings for me, and admittedly I did the same. We never officially dated dates after this but we got incredibly close and were talking non stop for a while, eventually she proposed the idea of us doing something sexual, I agreed because I wanted her to be happy, to me sex is something that I only do when I’m close with someone and I see it as a sign that I really care for you, the only other person I was like this with was my ex gf. Shortly after this happened, she tells me that she thinks that she might be asexual and that she didn’t want to do that ever again, I agreed since I wasn’t the most comfortable with it either, then a month later she gets a new boyfriend, I feel hurt. I don’t even care about the asexual stuff since that’s fully understandable, and she’s not the most mentally stable person but now she’s so happy and feeling great like I genuinely have absolutely nothing against her, I just feel like I was taken advantage of, like she only wanted me as a sex object she could lean against and not a friend. I’m so terrified of getting into another relationship after this, I know I’m young and I’m sure I’ll find someone good eventually, but I don’t know if I can take this pain again, I hate being taken advantage of and just hurt over and over, I just want to feel like Im truly loved.