I've been depressed since puberty, I suffer from insomnia, I have anxiety about specific situations that flares up every now and then, I was beaten by my mom and she even said she never wanted me before leaving the family, I've watched people get stabbed, my family is completely broken (even extended), and I haven't had a single person in my life who I can say "X was there for me when times were hard and I could always rely on them".

All my friend groups from high school are fragmented, I only have a few friends and none of them know each other, I talk to random people on the internet more than real people. I go to work hours early some days just because doing my job brings me a sense of purpose and conversations with my coworkers is the closest thing to restoring what high school once gave me.

I try to get out there more but redoing the same "fun" things in this town over and over isn't satisfying anymore, it's just mundane. Drinking is boring. Watching TV is boring. For a solid year, I edited YouTube videos and TikToks because I had some amount of notoriety from my short-form content. Though no one watched my long-form stuff that I spent every day off from work putting together. I'm burnt the fuck out of my best hobby.

I've never had a relationship last longer than 4 months, most of them end in drama, and I've been taken advantage of sexually. I feel disgusting like an object. I have anxious attatchment issues and my constant worry and overthinking has damaged more relationships than I can count.

I am overly affectionate and it drives people away. I always hinge on every relationship as though it's my last chance at love because my self-esteem is so low. I believe someome actually showing interest in me is too rare to be an accident and I freak out about any problems. I hate myself and feel unlovable - if love even exists.

I am always eating way too much or way too little, water hurts my stomach, I struggle with fatigue a lot which hurts my motivation and stifles clear thought, I feel like a joke like no one respects me or takes me seriously. I don't feel loved by anyone other than my grandparents and I guess somewhat what's left of my real family.

I don't feel loved by God. Im tired of everyone telling me that all these bad things I'm going through are a test and that my faith is being tested with these things. I've believed for so long that this shouldn't require anymore tests. These "tests" never fucking end. I am struggling to see any light at the end of this tunnel.

I've started taking melatonin during the day to calm my anxiety and I hate being alone woth my thoughts for even a single second. At every party I go to, I feel awkward and out of place. The only thing I get enjoyment from is writing but I've had such a creative block recently and just don't know where to start writing. No one reads my stuff anyway.

I've tried antidepressants, therapy, meditation, thought excersises, and the only thing that even mildly helps is age regression - where I pretend I'm a baby because people actually give a fuck about babies and it gives me a moment to do whatever things everyone would make fun of me for without shame.

Even so, the most joy I get out of life is stupid memes, nostalgia, and the temporary distractions. I'm still holding out hope that there will be some happy ending for me but I'm terrified that things will suddenly snap like my parents' 20-year marriage that suddenly ended. Or any random curveball that's supposed to make me strong.

I'm tired of people saying this stuff makes me stronger because it doesn't. These scars on my fucking wrist don't make me immune. All I've gained is severe trust issues and more anxiety. I was always seen as the weird kid and a lot of people didn't like me growing up so I should he used to people not liking me yet it upsets me whenever it happens.

I'm so done.