I’ll start off by saying I’m glad and appreciative of the fact that I’m not homeless, however this shit is ridiculous.

The current living situation: I haven’t eaten a meal at home in 4 years, the entire house is fucking disgusting. There’s mold in the bathroom and kitchen all over the dishes that nobody cleans ever (I was made to do the dishes starting when I was 8 and now that I stopped as an adult nobody does them) that okay because I don’t eat here. My mother has 2 untrained, depressed, anxiety ridden, POS dogs that haven’t been on a walk in years. They sit in the living room everyday sleeping until something happens they can bark at for 10-30 minutes. Ones is a beagle and the other is a terrier mutt, they alternate barks so I can’t even have a split second of peace. They shit and piss all over the floor. My mom just picks shit up with a paper towel and then let’s the piss dry, then once a month she shampoos the rug because it’s sopping with piss. She has a cat that pisses on all the towels so we have to bleach and double wash every towel because of course my mom and brother won’t close the bathroom closet door EVER. The same cat that pissed on my FUCKING bed the one time she got in my room. She brought a 3rd dog home once and I made her take it back and got on her ass. Then my younger brother(20), the stupid fuck who’s been given every bit of slack in his life. He sits in the basement on his computer all day everyday screaming and laughing loud as fuck to be heard through the floor and even outside the house. He smells like such shit that if he goes into a room it stinks up the entire room like shit for over 20 minutes. He has literally never done a load of laundry in his life, his precious mommy does it for him. Just like he doesn’t clean up after any food he makes, doesn’t ringside or wash dishes, as so much a put them in the sink. Trash is left on the table. The kitchen floor is also covered in piss.

The basement leaks, the bathroom ceiling plaster stuff has been falling on me and coming off the roof. There’s mold in and on the walls. All I can smell is piss, and my mom openly says it’s my fault because when I was 15 and we moved I didn’t want to leave the school district and lose my friends again (I’d moved and been homeless as a kid 5-6 times) so yeah blame the child for your home purchase decision.

The rest of my family on her side is worse than she is, the people that would babysit me when I was young and she was at work. They still all have roaches, shit, and piss In their homes to this day with animals they don’t care for. Anyone in my family that isn’t a POS separated themselves after my mother, my aunt, my grandma, and others lied, made false statements, and tried to protect a convicted pedophile (grandpa) even to this day saying he is innocent. I have every single trauma symptom to being Raped an infant (the age he was convicted for and the age I’d have been at the time as I was babysat at my grandmas house) and I was just hit, yelled at, and grounded for pissing and shitting myself up to age 11. I remember being in preschool age at home and I woke up with a log in my diaper/pull-up (idk which) I snuck into the bathroom and changed myself throwing away the diaper. It was found by my dad and I got spanked really fucking hard. Must not have been the first time because I was trying to sneak by him. Same way I used to climb onto the counter to get myself food because he wouldn’t feed me.

I don’t feel as if at any point in my life I had a safe adult, I’ve never felt like I could be honest be anybody around me about anything, it all gets run through a couple filters. When the men in the family would abuse me the women would attempt to comfort after but not even that was possible. The men would wait nearby, in the closest room, around the corner, waiting for me to answer the “what happened” so they could explode back in and scream how I’m a fucking liar or a pussy.

Now as an adult I have so many chronic health conditioned that have flared up in the last few years. I’m trying to heal my body but I’m so stuck. I can’t get through more than 20-30 hours a week at work without killing myself. I can’t afford anything. All my extra money goes into weed so I can smoke myself stupid. I can’t be here anymore and it’s the only escape I have. Video games don’t do it for me anymore like they did when I was a kid. And the weed isn’t helping too much anymore either, but at the end of the day I don’t know what else I have, I like working on my car but last time I tried I was bedbound the next day form my back injury at work. I was placed at MMI after 2 months for 3 herniated disc 1 with a fracture, a slipped rib (which hasn’t healed yet) and now I have swimmers shoulder because of the tendons being pulled tight. Something is out of place but doctor will only order x rays and inject my discs. I’ve decided if I’m still broken after 1 year from MMI I’ll probably just end it all. I don’t have the will anymore, the fire I used to feel in my chest has been extinguished since I was a child. I just want to rest forever, I’m tired, I’ve been tired, no amount of sleep has ever helped me. Everyday I wish something or someone would just take me out by surprise, quickly and painlessly as possible. Everyday I wake up I dread living again. Sleep is the only peace I get and it’s never enough. It only feels like minutes at most.

Please don’t tell me about what I have to live for. I’ve had so much more happen to me than this but nobody is going to read a book and I’m doubtful anybody will finish this.. point I want to make is I feel like I deserve to be tired, I just want to rest but the world doesn’t stop spinning for me.

And I already know others have had it worse, I’m not debating I’m the saddest case. I’m just not as strong as some people are and I feel permanently broken, mind, body, and soul.

I miss who I could’ve been