the whole last week was rough but today is just awful.

but let me start out in the beginning.

saturday, I was at a party. it was great but it left me with a huge social hangover. I felt like I finally got over it yesterday. had a chill day at work doing relaxing tasks that nobody except me ever does (my coworkers don‘t appreciate the simple things in life) all by myself. met for a beer with a friend afterwards.

my partner and I are going through a bit of a rough patch currently. we had an in-depth conversation yesterday that was emotionally draining but very constructive. but my thoughts still circle around the core issue. gonna take some time to process everything and that‘s okay.

today, I got my period, which is the worst thing ever. I‘m a trans man, so on top of the pain, general depression, not sleeping well (and too little tonight) and not being able to just shit everything out at once I also have massive dysphoria around it. (for the rest of the month I have barely any dysphoria. it‘s as if it‘s all concentrated into 4-7 days).

I‘m more sensitive to noise and two of my coworkers are constantly bickering about some stupid shit. it‘s gone on for two weeks. one of them has anger issues and starts yelling around because of literally anything that angers him ever so slightly. and if he‘s not yelling about something he‘s watching videos on his computer, either on speakers or with headphones turned so loud it barely makes a difference (at least the higher-energy part of the frequency spectrum is tuned down but still).

my brain also doesn‘t work the way it should. I put on some brown noise on my headphones to tune out my coworkers‘ conversations so I can hear my own thoughts over the noise but here I am trying to focus on the manual of a new device reading the same sentence multiple times because my brain just doesn‘t register. earlier, when preparing some stuff I forgot to pack power cords, and packing the cabled I need is usually the FIRST thing I do.

it was planned that I get sunday and monday off, but today I got a mail that I need to go to the headquarters on monday 8am for some stupid election (don‘t listen to me, voting the people who represent you and your rights is important). no chance to opt out. yesterday everyone got an email that said the election cards are going to be delivered to each site, but ofc I belong to the one group who has to go to the headquarters. god this is so stupid.

I‘m just done. I have like 5% energy. I want to go home and rest and sit out the worst three days. slap a hot water bottle on my belly, get all cozy on the couch and watch The Dragon Prince. and sleep. I‘m so damn tired.

at least the workload is currently small enough to just relax and take it slow. no need to hurry. if I wanted to I could spend most of the day at the office and do the endless scrolling or something, but I‘m gonna go distract myself with more relaxing, under-appreciated tasks once I‘ve finished my coffee. for now I‘m just going to enjoy the silence. my coworkers left to do something somewhere else and once they‘re back, I‘m gonna go get lunch and occupy myself with something productive but low-effort afterwards.

today sucks and I can‘t wait for it to be over. tomorrow is going to suck too, and saturday might as well, but on sunday I can relax.