27m I've grown apart from all my friends. Couldn't go back to hanging out with them if I wanted to because all they ever want to do is smoke weed and I quit smoking. My cousin used to live nearby and he would come over all the time and we would have barbecues in my back yard. I truly enjoyed those times, but he was always a total dick to me and super condescending and we slowly grew apart. Now he lives in another state and has become indoctrinated by tik tok conspiracy theories and is a borderline incel, and I can't even stand to talk to him on the phone. I have everything I should want in life. I'm good looking, I own 2 vehicles, I have a good job, a nice number in my bank account, and I'm musically gifted. I'm truly greatful for all of this but there's just this one thing missing. Genuine connection with others.

I go out into the world and try to talk to people and it's like Noone can be bothered by the likes of stupid old me. My customers at work won't even look me in the eye and say hello back to me when I introduce myself to them. I try to go on dating apps to meet people and even when I do match with people it's like nobody actually wants to talk they just want to send memes back and fourth. I just want to have a real face to face conversation with somebody my age that isn't about pop culture or getting high or how much casual sex other person has. I dont want to go to clubs or bars because I had a drinking problem in the past and can't be in that kind of environment anymore.

I don't believe in God, and I'm a pretty devout atheist, but I genuinely think I want to start going to church just to be around other people who don't just live to party. But even then, all those people want to talk about is god, and i feel like god has turned his back on me.

I am alone. I have always been alone. I always will be. It's just hitting me like a ton of bricks right now, as im laying awake writing this. I have that numb feeling where I feel sad but I can't cry even if i try. The worst part is that I know I'm not reallu alone because people all over the place probably feel the exact same way as me but we all have our heads too far up our own asses to find eachother.