I (20m) met someone beautiful months ago and I messed it up

Awhile back in September I met someone at work (coworker) and she was the first person ever to show me romantic love and what it means to love. My first relationship. We met one night after closing and I was talking with another coworker about learning Spanish because I work in an environment that has a lot of Hispanic people and we chime in my ex that is Puerto Rican and I guess she didn’t mind so she asked me for my snap surprisingly! I actually learned little Spanish because I decided to get to know her instead and she turned out to be such a beautiful person and clicked immediately. I’ve never connected with a person so fast and had SO MUCH in common. It was like I had found a new best friend.

Within a couple days we started hanging out outside of work and it was everyday or every other day. Weeks of knowing her she opened up about a lot of personal things and understood where came from. Rough childhood, trauma. The kind where it’s hard to sometimes communicate because she was always emotionally neglected and harbored a lot repressed emotions. Her stuff never bothered me because I know everyone goes through something in their life or experiences the same things. We connected on a deep level and we gradually started dating and it was the best thing that’s ever happen to me. We fell in love and started looking into houses and even marriage 1-2 months into our relationship. I admit it shocked me and also scared me because with my full time job there’s no way I could’ve supported us. I was heavily thinking about school and doing whatever it took for us.

I feel like doing any and everything within my power to make this work. Her too. I was confident she’d stay by my side and could depend on her. Fast forward to a week or 2 before thanksgiving and she starts feeling down and we’re not going out as much as we use to and it puzzled me. I asked her what was going on and she tells me she’s going to be busy which I understood. Week after thanksgiving she’s still emotionally detached and a little avoidant. She’s never been like this and i wasn’t sure what to think or do.

To sum it up, 2 weeks after TG it continues and I’ve become more unstable and my mind is racing with negative thoughts. I ultimately blame her for everything and I was in the wrong. She stopped texting me since then and I’ve apologized and gave her the Christmas presents I bought prior. I wrote a letter apologizing for the 100th time. I lost someone because I couldn’t be patient. I’m still recovering and I’ve forgiven myself. I hope she can forgive me. I didn’t mean all the things I said.

I don’t know if I can repair this. I cling onto the hope and continue having faith because I still love her. I hope for forgiveness more than anything. I’ve never had anything like this and I want it more than anything.