A wears headphones at work. That’s fine, don’t blame them. It’s loud and honestly boring. But they’ll take them out to listen to people. Except me. They look at me and then turn away.

S was adamant they were worried about me when I was admittedly going through a rough patch but didn’t want to make it anyone’s problem and kept engaging in conversation with them whenever they wanted. I listened to every problem they were facing and offered any help I could. But when I went to tell them something that happened, they covered their ears and snapped at me “I don’t want to hear it! I just want to come to work, do my job and go home!”

I told V many times if they didn’t want me there because I can’t tell when I’m overstaying my welcome (I’m autistic, and yes they knew), to tell me that. But they turn their back on me and ignore me. Literally. Like you do to a dog that won’t stop barking. I tried so hard to be more careful, I spent so much less time there because I knew a few weeks before I messed up and definitely overstayed my welcome, but it seems I was still too much.

Everyone is obsessed with G’s talent, and honestly so they should be, G is incredible! But there’s a twang of envy that everyone is flocking to get to see G as much as possible, but if I ever want someone to see a new art piece I have to ask them if they’ll take a look. I thought when people told me it was good and that I felt they were lying, that it was just my insecurity. Turns out I was right about them lying.

I just feel like there has to be something wrong with me. I’ve got this kind of thing my whole life, these are just the examples from the last month or so. I have spent my life trying to be digestible, and easy to tolerate, because as a kid I couldn’t even get through one conversation before people would turn their back on me. I’ve always tried to be polite and caring, showing interest in whatever people talk about and expect nothing back, but there’s only so much of one-sided acquaintanceships you can take. Is it really selfish to want someone to want me around?