CW: graphic descriptions of why periods suck.

I don‘t even know where to begin. I feel like it‘s getting worse.

I‘m a trans man, so aside from everything else this is the one week a month where my dysphoria is the worst. usually, as long as I don‘t hear my voice from „outside“, like on a recording or something, and don‘t see myself naked I‘m good. I can deal with it. it won‘t be too long until I get started on hormones and at some point in the future I can also get a mastectomy. it‘s not something that‘s never gonna change, so these things don‘t bother me too much. but when I‘m on my period, god it‘s awful. having to take care of the blood and the pain is a constant reminder that parts of my body are… wrong. that I‘m fundamentally different from most other men. it‘ll stop at some point once I‘m on T, but until then it‘ll get only worse, especially the pain.

and god, the pain is awful! I for sure am better off than many afab folks, the pain only lasts for 3 days and usually is managable with heat and distraction, but over the past few months it‘s gotten worse. ever had a cramp in your asshole? it‘s exactly as horrible as it sounds. imagine that cramp travelling forwards into your genitals and up to your bellybutton. even worse! earlier today I sat on the toilet crying because I had to pee so badly but I couldn‘t because when I tried it felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing each and every muscle downstairs with hot barbed needles and pulling them out again. that was a first I would have preferred not experiencing, and I have a feeling it wasn‘t the last time either.

even when it‘s not pins and needles in my asshole and genitals, the constant pain is just so jarring. it‘s not just in my lower belly, it „radiates“ into my kidneys. and god forbid my lower back gets only slightly cool. it gets so much worse.

then there‘s body temperature. sometimes, I‘m cold even on the hottest day of summer, when it‘s colder outside I‘m pretty much wrapped in layers upon layers, but if I walk three steps I immediately break out in sweat. my blood pressure is a mess as well, like I just stand up and get dizzy. my job can be quite physically demanding at times, it‘s great fun. not.

next on the list of shitty stuff is, well, shitting. it‘s usually a combination of not-quite-diarrhea and constipation. I can just never shit to completion while I‘m on my period, and it also HURTS!

taking care of all the blood sucks so much too. I use a cup because it‘s the least bad option I have. using pads or period panties only is a big no, feeling the blood flowing out gives me so, so much dysphoria and I fucking hate the smell. tampons are okay as emegency solutiom (I always carry some in my backpack just in case), but the string always gets cought up in my briefs and with every step I take it feels like the tampon is being tugged out. plus I like to avoid disposable products as much as possible. so the cup it is, plus period panties during the first three days because that‘s when I get the heaviest flow and especially at work I don‘t always get to go to the toilet immediately. emptying the cup is a total bloodbath. you literally pour like 30-40ml of blood into the toilet. and not every bathroom has a sink right next to the shitter. so you just try to wipe all the blood off your fingers so it doesn‘t look like you‘ve murdered someone on the way to the sink.

and of course there‘s the impact all of this shit has on my mental state. my depression already gets worse days before the bleeding starts. then there‘s the constant pain, the need to empty the cup every couple of hours during the first days, and the anger about how us afab folks just have to deal with all this shit because what else are we supposed to do? and don‘t we dare ask for just a little sympathy and understanding that we just can‘t perform as well as during the test of the month, because so many (cis) men just don‘t understand how much it sucks, and so many (cis) women just suck the suckage up. yes, there‘s treatment options. yes, hormones can help. but how many times are out issues not taken seriously by doctors? how many of us can‘t take hormones for some reason or another? so what choice do we have other than taking painkillers, sticking on a disposable heat pad and hoping it‘ll be over soon.