1. I have accidentally helped the person I like pick her real name. Somehow I accidentally called her [] during our first VC that wasn't just her and me, and it made her very happy.

2. We've been living in VC basically since a few months

3. A few weeks ago her PSU died, this gave me a panic attack because I have very severe anxiety around loss, incl thanatophobia. It can knock me out for days if it gets triggered, and it did.

4. She recovered computer properly, then we watched a movie in VR chat.

5. Unfortunately we couldnt pull off a 1-on-1 hangout afterwards, this made me antsy as my anxiety didnt get fully resolved

6. some twat made a very insensitive comment in a public forum somewhat targetting me regarding thanatophobia/fear of loss/death. This triggered my anxiety again as it was a recent wound.

7. I ended up going for an early nap, and on waking she sent me cool stuff to try and distract me.

8. Earlier that day, a mutual friend talked about her ability to read people very well. This frustrated me, as I cannot and I had a fear instilled.

9. I wished good night to her, but severe ADHD and her own issues meant she forgot to reply

10. Unfortunately, my anxiety persisted so when I went to sleep properly, it spiked badly and I thought I was going to lose everyone and started spiralling. I pestered a mutual friend over my inability to read people and asking her opinion on "am I pushing her away" "making her uncomfortable" "do you still think what you said months ago is still true" (she reaffirmed that yes, "[NAME] loves you"

11. It was 2 AM. [NAME] noticed I was still awake and a bit loopy, she snapped at me that... If I don't go to sleep, she won't wish good ngiht to me ever again.

12. I explained anxiety spiral and was talking to [Mutual friend]. She asked what's on my mind I explained in a few steps of easing

A. First, that I was afraid that since on VC, my filter is bad and I end up slipping my salt/toxicity/grudges easily and saddle my friends with them - I am pushing people away and that scares me, especially her.

B. Second, I explained that (she was a bit more distant after some dumb drama involving friends after our VR hangout) I am afraid that...

Me blatantly expressing my desire to hug/cuddle her, that I want to one day meet with her face to face is making her uncomfortable. That my active use of her real name rather than her online persona in my teases/flirsts is making her uncomfortable

And that she is giving me signals/hints/cues that she feels uncomfortable that I am not noticing and that I will go too far and ruin everything She responded that

A. she always knew I was salty. She's salty and toxic as well

B. Although the distance (Spain/Hungary) is a bit too much for stuff to be realistic like that in the present, if she had the chance she'd love to do all the things I ended up admitting.

That things between us did not change for the worse, just that she's been having her depression flaring up some and that she will try to sleep earlier to try and avoid issues. Might also need a break from "social stuff" to recharge, since things were generally stressful (see: drama between friends after VR hangout)
and that she thinks of me as someone precious
I ended up admitting she is one of my two favourite humans on earth, and that "I almost feel guilty for how much affection I feel towards you"

basically doing an all-in "show your hand" thing ... all this happening on the midnight of the BLUE MOON of all things BLUE MOON

I really needed to say all this somewhere. Somehow. Because... I had to.