I (24f) have been living past my expiration date for 6 years. I struggle to find meaning, purpose, or motivation because I did not think I’d be here for much longer. Everyday drags by for me, especially the days when I don’t work. I feel this way 25/8. It’s exhausting and having a mother that can’t understand or empathize with me makes it worse. My best friend’s mom passed away recently, she was everything I’ve ever wanted in a mother and more. She was kind, caring, and always had a shoulder for them to cry or rest on when they needed it. Outside of the hug when I was sobbing over my friend’s mom’s passing and the hug I received on a different occasion when I was younger and crying my eyes out, my mother is not loving. She puts herself, her needs, and wants first which isn’t a crime, but if it disables your ability to emotionally connect and care for your children, then I see it as a problem. Her solution to everything is to do something. Feeling depressed? Clean. Feeling anxious? Go do some laundry. Can’t sleep? Just turn over and try harder. I am schizoaffective which is schizophrenia along with a mood disorder (major depressive disorder) and I sometimes get auditory hallucinations. I am very heavily medicated for my ailments yet for some reason a few days ago I started hearing them again. I tried to find some comfort in my mother but her only response was “it’s because you don’t take your medication regularly”. Sure I’ll admit I might miss a day or two but that isn’t enough to cause voices. The only time my mother felt empathy towards me was when I was practically bleeding to death because my period was very heavy and went on for almost a month. I had to get a blood transfusion. Before hand I had begged her for days to take me to the doctor because going up a small flight of stairs made me want to pass out. I could literally see my veins pulsing in my neck. She told me “go drink some water and clean your room”. She only took me because she was tired of me complaining. The doctor told her if we had waited any longer I would’ve been in critical condition. Not too long ago after, she was inflicted with the same illness. Except the difference was she got help immediately. She only felt a sprinkle of the fatigue and pain I went through for weeks. She did tell me she was sorry for not taking me sooner. I would’ve never heard that apology if she had not been forced to empathize with me. Even before I decided to write this, I tried to tell her how badly I wished I could crumple to the ground like a rag doll and not get back up. Her response was lackluster. “Sometimes I need a break too. That’s when you go lay down, count to 10, get up, and continue functioning”. I told her if it was that simple I would’ve been doing it this whole time. That wanting a break and wanting to not wake back up were two completely different feelings. She then changed the subject and talked about things she needed to do. I reconciled with the fact that she doesn’t know how to love an emotional person like me long ago. Yet I still have hope that she will be able to love and nurture me. I’m let down every time. Is it too much to ask for someone who society says is your first source of comfort to be that comfort?