Me: 21 y/o man, middle class, adhd, anxiety, depression, nightmare disorder, cptsd, academic failure, no friends, anxious attachment style, infp, 9w1.

When I look at my peers, they seem to have their shit together, they seem like they know where to go or how to deal with growing up. But I have had the hardest friggin time of my life in the past couple of years.

I was born and immediately had health issues, I had severe eczema, lung problems, and deadly allergies for milk and egg. I couldn't eat ice cream or pancakes, I ATE OLIVES AND PLAIN POPCORN (which I loved btw). Because of the eczema and constant itching, I hit myself in the head when I was sleeping, cuz pain was better than itches.

I grew up and life was scary, I was afraid of other kids, I was afraid of adults, and I always cried when I was brought to an unknown place or left in a group of unknown people.

I had a slow and late development, so my height was always smaller than others and I compensated with verbal strength and whit. In middle school I just made people laugh and never got into trouble with my grades. I heard from other parents that I was a dream kid, I never complained, I was very polite, and I helped everyone around me.

High school became more of a problem. In the first two years I studied Latin, and after those two years I had to change, my parents said to always aim for the highest achievable goal, so I changed to maths and sciences. I didn't pay attention and after 2 years I had to change again. So again we went down a step and I chose modern languages and science. That became a problem after a semester and I dropped again to human sciences. I finished high school without studying or paying attention in class. It's weird but I kinda had some intuition and just common knowledge that saved most of my tests, and coffee induced panicky night study sessions were enough for my exams.

All good and dandy but then my parents pressured me into going to university. I chose biology and failed my first year completely. Then corona happened and now my procrastination behavior maxed out and failed the whole next semester of psychology as well as a semester of IBM.

I had to be honest with my parents and tell them that this just isn't working out. Then I got diagnosed with adhd. I took meds and it was amazing in the beginning, but slowly lost efficacy and it just made me blunt. My parents pressured me to get a job and I worked at a vape store. I did wonderful in the beginning but then got a burn out from over working and not being able to set healthy boundaries. I quit my job after a year of working and now I'm sitting at home wondering wtf I need to do to get my life in order.

I've been going to therapy for years and only in the past year it's become clear that I have a lot of trauma surrounding my youth and dad. He was very emotionally immature, he was negative in thinking, always criticising everyone and anything we did, he stonewalled me for days or even weeks when I did something wrong, he basically neglected my emotional needs. This made me into a people pleaser, a hyper alert person, someone who avoids conflict, a perfectionist, someone who adjusts himself to be liked more, someone who can't set boundaries, someone who can't say no...I basically have no healthy ego/personality. This is why I don't know what to do, what to study, what I want,...who I am.

This all makes the world very fkin scary and makes it a huge task to go out and just "do".

I have no friends and have social anxiety.

I also struggled with addiction, primarily gambling addiction and nicotine addiction. I lost all my paychecks from the year of work in the hope that I could get out of the house sooner.

Life is just scary, painful, and I don't know how I could ever fit into society.