I don’t know why. Fuck, people talk to me and like it’s clear they wanna be my friend but I just can’t even though I want friends. Honestly maybe I’m just missing the memory of having friends, I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m scared of intimacy and vulnerability. I don’t feel very scared but I am uncomfortable when talking to others.

I can be pretty vulnerable, maybe I’m more uncomfortable with scaring others with my vulnerability and overall weird interests. But at the same time I just want someone to ask me to be vulnerable with them. I want to share with others and I can but I guess I’m scared of how they’d react? I don’t know because, again, I don’t feel very afraid at all.

It also feels a bit unnatural. I’m so used to people just inserting themselves into my life whether I like it or not. I don’t want to be the one seeking out people because I don’t know how. I’ve never done that before.

Yet, some days I’m okay with not really having anyone, despite how boring it gets. Then again it could just be my brain justifying me isolating myself. Like I’m okay being alone, I can entertain myself and if I can’t I’ll sleep off the boredom or force myself to binge a show, but I know deep inside that’s not what I truly want. I want to be able to share and connect with other people but I always end up making some excuse not to.