You wanted me to change my attitude, I did, I am getting rid of everything to clear your head, im trying to get out so you dont have to sit at home, im not saying a word about you going out, infact am hoping you enjoy yourself.. All I asked for was reassurance, some level of compromise, I put in effort, so do you.. The first opportunity presented to you to do so, nothing. I dont want to keep begging for the smallest thing, its not fair. I over think, I get upset, distant, angry, confused, and everything in between, but you wont address the one thing that brings that all out. None of this is about you going out or going to gay clubs without even a message.. this is about me owning my shit while protecting my feelings. I have a big heart but not big enough to stay in a viscous circle where your mess up has become my mess to struggle with. All I wanted was reassurance, I was over the moon to get rid of the untrusting, and overthinking me, but I dont want to keep waiting for you find yourself before you decide its worth it.. im worth it.. Maybe you were right, maybe your not 100% sure who you want to be, but I know, I dont want to keep being this me, the me that cant enjoy the little things anymore becuase the one big thing that I had, you broke it and the one thing I need to fix it.. you dont think is your responsibility to give me. I know that you are doing what you enjoy doing, and I know you havnt gotten to do that in a long time, but I have been on the streets since 15, I have never gotten the opportunity to do what I want to do, my life has always been a survival match against myself and everyone who keeps promising they wont do me like that. I thought we were in this together, to find the life that "we" wanted to live but your finding your own self at the expense of my feelings, I am not at all angry nor upset at that, and I completely understand, but through my pain and past, I found myself, it took me a long time and I dont want to keep stopping you from doing so..This may all be turned on me being a cunt and treating you like shit, and I get that, but I have actively tried to change that, you refuse to accept how I feel. I want you to find yourself, and I want you to know who you want to be, but I think maybe my feelings can be too big and overwhelming at the best of times.. maybe I am holding you back from who you can be, maybe your not ready to take another's feelings on board because you haven't really worked out how to handle yours. I love you, I have since day 1 and I honestly think I will die thinking about you, but I dont see 20,30,40 years when in the first 4, we cant understand, communicate, and work on our feelings. You say our issues lay in my attitude and our housing/animals.. we could be on 100 acres with a million dollars, if I cant get a reassuring message from my Husband when hes clubbing, knowing exactly how my mind has been, then I know that your not ready to take my emotions on board. I think we should get a divorce, I love you with my whole being both spirituality and physically. I need elevation in my emotions, and support.. you downplay how I feel and in turn, you dont get the me you want, its not fair on either of us. I feel how I feel, you feel how you feel, but we never meet in the middle. I dont want to keep feeling like this and I know that as much as you say you love me, your over my feelings being a constant wedge. If I could do one thing to treat you right, It would be to let you find yourself.. I have to do for myself, what I continue to do for others.. care.. understand. I wish we waited, I wish we had the opportunity to learn one another, to grow as one, and to be confident that we wanted and were prepared to deal with how eachother was feeling.. we vowed, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will love and honor you all the days of my life." Every thing we have done since we met, minus some of the best moments ive ever felt, have been about survival.. we kept urging to get through the rough patch, I think the rough patch is us.. I dont want to keep being selfish and toxic for you, im sorry for the way I am, im sorry for how ive acted, im sorry for the words I have said while angry, and upset, im sorry for not giving my all 100% of the time.. I love you 😪

Why do I feel so wrong doing what I know is necessary.. 😫😫