I ended things (again) with my long time, and long distance best friend and love. We've been so unbelievably close for the past five years. I'm not an easy person to get along with, let alone get super close with. So finally finding someone I have every little thing in common with, someone who understands me, someone I actually look forward to talking with...it is a miracle. She was my miracle.

It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Since we're so alike that means she is as stubborn and argumentative as me. We have had our fair share of fights. It happens in every relationship obviously. Eventually we always patch things up and move on, confident that THIS time we'll be better for each other.

The thing with these fights, however, is how each of us reacts to them. I'm always eager to hash things out, and really try and communicate, and understand things from both perspectives in an attempt to never again have to argue over whatever the issue may be. Her response is to quickly and eagerly try to end our relationship. It's maddening as much as it is heartbreaking.

A couple days ago she suddenly became uber upset. Everything was going fine, we were chatting it up and joking around...having a good old time. And then...bam! Tears. She claimed it was because her kids were fighting nonstop. I believed it. Hell, my kids do the same. Being the attentive boyfriend? lover? I don't know, we never officially defined our relationship. Anyway, being the attentive whatever I am I talked her down and smoothed things over.

(Another thing that always bothered me. Whenever she was sad or upset I was there in a heartbeat doing anything within my power to help her feel better. Whenever I'm down she always became instantly distant and aloof.)

Well, yesterday the truth came out. It wasn't her kids. It was because she didn't like my profile picture on Strava. Once again she pushed for a break up. Despite claiming to love me so so much she went on and on about how this would be for the best...for me. Uh-huh. Well, I had finally had enough and did what she wanted. I said we were done. How can you say you love someone, but want to end things over something so stupid as a profile picture?

Now I'm sitting here hungover and more lonely and miserable than I have ever been. I know at some point she'll reach out to me and try and pull me back in. I know I shouldn't, but I love her so much. I know I'll cave. I'm weak. But I wish I wouldn't. I don't know what to do. How does one go on when such a huge gaping hole has been ripped from your soul where your love once resided?

Edit: I should probably say that my profile picture is just nothing but plain black. I don't like having my picture for all the world to see, so I changed it to that. She's the only one I share my runs and rides with, and she obviously knows what I look like so I figured there would be no harm having a blank picture. I was so very wrong.