I thought things would end up getting better for me, but they haven't managed to yet. God, with each passing day I hate myself more and more.

I've had these feelings for a few years but they normally fluctuate and go away after a week or so, but this time they've lasted for nearly two months and it keeps getting worse pretty much every day. I went on a date for the first time pretty much two weeks ago and that might've been the last day I didn't feel like this at all. Sure, there's times in most days where I feel happy, but these feelings keep coming back.

The main way for me to distract myself from how terrible I'm feeling used to be just gaming, but over time that's started to make me feel neutral instead, which is still better than feeling absolutely terrible. Recently though I've had to hang out with people, either in person or online to distract myself and that works out really well, but I'm usually the one that has to ask people if they wanna hang out as I'm not asked that often if I wanna hang out with people, I have to ask my friends myself.

I just keep getting a huge sense of loneliness, and now I've started to feel guilty as well. There's probably a reason why I've only ever gone on one date in my life, just like there's a reason why I rarely get matches on dating apps and even if I do it either leads nowhere or I get ghosted, and it just makes me feel lonelier whenever it happens. I think the main reason for that loneliness is because years ago I used to get asked by people if I wanted to date them only for those people to admit it was a joke, leading me to having confidence issues that last even to this day, surely the reason that people kept making those jokes is because no one would ever wanna date me? The guilt's probably from feeling like I'm a huge burden to everyone, but that's the only thing that comes to mind.

With how much of a burden I am, I know I'm a huge failure too, and it's lead me to know that things would be better for everyone if I suddenly just disappeared, I know that even though the people I've told about this say that it'd be a terrible idea, they'd act indifferent if I actually did disappear. No what I do I'm basically destined to be a failure, so why should I keep on going? I'm meant to be having my first therapy session in practically 3 weeks but I don't know if I can last long enough for that but I know for a fact I'll attend it just to get help, but god I have no idea how much longer I can go on for like this, I feel like I need a cuddle or to just talk to some of my best friends but they're usually busy