I’m exhausted. I’m literally so fucking exhausted. I can’t wake up a single morning without having to buck up to report a sexual harassment/assault, learning a new thing about my family and what monsters they are, a depressive episode, a panic attack, or just a shitty day where I feel shit. I tried to start myself off right for the first day of the new year. I woke up early, showered, washed my hair, washed and moisturised my face, did my dishes from the night before and went for a walk. I held off snacking until lunch (because in my family, we have basically a second Xmas dinner on New Years). That’s where it started going downhill, actually. My mum didn’t plan very well and bought less than she intended. Now, I’m the least favourite in the house, so my mum got her full plate of dinner, my brother got his full plate and a second full plate, but me? I got a slice of turkey, one potato cut up into 4 and a carrot. It looked like what you’d give to a toddler on their first self-aware Christmas. But I ate it and didn’t complain because I know if I did, my mum would take away the little bit I did have and give it to my brother.

I thought I’d try getting over it with a relaxing activity. Maybe gaming, maybe drawing... I couldn’t get myself to do either. I tried but I just couldn’t enjoy it. It felt too forced. So I listened to music for half an hour and decided to at least get myself a nice dinner. I have the same frozen chicken pizza daily, because I’m autistic and it’s not only one of my only safe foods, but it’s the one thing I can rely on each day to go right.

But I didn’t buy enough the last time I went shopping and I didn’t have a pizza. And since I’m not allowed to eat anything I didn’t pay for, I don’t have anything else in the house. I can’t drive, and the nearest shop is a 40min walk each way. It’s also been pitch bLack out for the last 2 hours and I live in a very dangerous area.

I thought about ordering in, but the only place that delivers to me is dominos and I can’t afford to spend £20 on one pizza and the delivery fee.

So basically I’ve started this new year hungry and in tears. Same way I’ve spent every holiday. Don’t want to go back to work because one of my colleagues groped me and I work on a team with his wife, so I’m really scared to know the outcome of reporting it. Can’t even go to my grandma’s (the only real family member I have) and relax anymore because my aunt and her husband have moved in, and her husband is a dick. Rude, discriminatory, gropey...

Can’t even move out because if I want to work extra hours I’ll have to get myself to work which is a 90 min walk each way, and paying for a taxi would end up costing me two shift’s worth each week so there’s no point working extra hours anyway, but I just can’t afford shit on my pay.

There’s a lot more to it as well, 22 years of underlying constant trauma, but Reddit is lagging which means I’ve written enough already.