Missing you comes in waves. Sometimes I have the strength to forget, to go to the gym and shop and eat normally. I smile my routine smile and seem to everyone to have moved on, getting better and better. It's been 9 months....I mean, eventually I have to heal, right.

Other times I find myself stuck on the couch, tears pressed against the inside of my head, the waves crashing against my heart and stomach crippling my ability to even move. I think of what it will be like spending the rest of my life getting over what happened, trying to forget the hope that I had, trying to understand how you can do what you did.

I should have watched the TV shows you liked sooner. YOU, the Originals, New Girl. All shows where the main character flows in and out of relationships, never committing, always living in some web of lies. Those silver-tongued lies in which you told me every dream I ever had would come to reality, ever fantasy of safety and love and trust. Where we forgave each other, danced in the living room to our favorite EDM songs and air fried food. Biscuits and gravy and eggs Benedict in the morning, chicken and rice after workouts. Pictures in Instagram smiling at venues watching the artists we love. Kissing under the stars.

Instead I'm alone, but I'm learning to embrace the pain. To use it as gasoline, instead of burning to make me better. I will get through this, and I won't let it kill me.

Even though I'll always love you...more than Bs and Gs.

-M