J-

Another night not being able to sleep. I came close to texting you again, but I know that isn't what you want. So I write it here, where nobody will ever see it. Just another letter into the abyss, to the empty hole you left when you broke my heart.

Being alone is teaching me a lot about love. Expecting you to heal me was never going to work. Broken people don't heal each other....they just cause more broken. I hope one day you get past all the internet psychologists and can see that we both had healthy and narcissistic traits. I wish you could've told me everything so I could know what was real and what was fake. After you used your key to take my things, and after all the things that came after, I'm forced to wonder if you ever loved me. I'm also forced to wonder what that would mean about you, a woman that I loved and planned a life with.

I know you are happy being a bad bitch with your friends, but I've seen that before, and if you do it too long you will end up being a sad bitch in the end. That beautiful, hopeful, kind woman I knew has changed so much, and I can't help but feel it is my fault.

I'm getting better. I'm stronger, and working consistently on myself. I'm still not where I want to be, but life isn't horrible. I'm worried about the future too....I am facing a lot. I would do anything to have gotten our home in Henderson, and to be BBQing and planning our next show. I want to be mad, but I'm learning to forgive, even though it means that I will never have you next to me dancing or looking at the stars, will never race each other in our sports cars, and will never see you holding my children.

Life has a crazy way of taking two beautiful people and making them be ugly to each other when they need each other the most. I wish it didn't do that to the two of us...what we had was special.

I love you more than biscuits and gravy, ALWAYS

-M