My therapist finally commented on how I shut down. I told her it was because of you. I told her what you did. She heard me out until I said that your abusive words were based in truth, because that’s what makes lies convincing. Then, she presented me with her interpretation of me and my life.

It’s inconsequential to me, because she doesn’t know about all the factors you did. I want to tell her those, I do. What you have done by taking advantage of my vulnerability has destroyed my courage to do so and multiplied it. The way you have shattered my hope for support by reaching out to others has brought me to the place where I can see light shining from the other end of the tunnel for the first time, but without the energy to continue crawling.

I’m not even angry you’ve rendered me incapacitated, stuck in this limbo. You know what I have taken from my therapist, that is consequential to me? Faith in myself. It is still here, it says ‘I will get my energy back’. She helped me build that. While shedding light on my resilience doesn’t do much for me like she did last session, everything she has done these past few months to augment it will make me rise. I can’t even say it will cause your downfall, because it’s not about you. Simply: I will rise.

I will get there. I will crawl out of this hellhole teeth bared because you were the final push. Thank you for empowering future me by wrenching every last bit of drive and hope out of me in the present. Thank you from present me, and fuck you from the future person I am stepping into.