I can't keep holding on....everyone including you said it....

Every letter I ever wrote was for you, every word to deliver a message every sentence for you to peek into my psyche and every click off the send button solidifying that I'm not strong enough to confront you with how I feel.

This one's different dear, this one's for me.

To be honest I don't know if this letter will ever reach you, I'm sure you stopped checking my profile long ago, good for you.

But maybe tomorrow, a week from now or even a year, something familiar might happen in your life and you might be stricken by a hazy memory of the past, and in that brief moment you might glance at my profile just out of curiosity.

I'm not dumb, I know most would say "what a fool" and call me "naively optimistic", these are too many maybes, ifs and butts than my past self would ever accept but for the present me, if someday my hope becomes true I want you to find this letter staring your deep brown eyes back...maybe someday...definitely one day.... always too late.

I can't speak for you but from what I've learned about you and the aftermath of what happened between us I was erased from your memory...well erased isn't quite right is it now...more like buried deep inside the dark corner of your subconscious that you stuff all the things you can't deal with in, I really hate that part of you, I hate that you turned our memories into part of that big scary monster of your past and regrets that only comes out to scare and punish you. Or maybe I'm wrong.

But as for me you see, you somehow managed to occupy every moment I had to myself... it's so sad it's almost funny isn't it. Yeah, surpriseeee 🎉, I'm not as tough as I pretend to be and not as strong as I tried so hard to make you think I am. God I wanted to be strong for you, I thought you wouldn't leave me if I was, or I thought you would if I wasn't I'm not sure anymore all I know is that it never should've mattered.

I've been thinking about you...a lot and I can't talk to anyone about it, I always hated that fact.

I want you to know what runs through my mind while I fantasize about my memories with you,

When I think about my lowest with you I remember the time you told me you are feeling a mood swing towards me the one time I tried to confide in you and you told me you needed time alone and left me, fuck did that scare me.

When I felt the most acknowledged with you was at the start when you told me my parents raised a man and that I gave you back hope in guys and because of me you realized that good men still exist out there, I bet you don't realize how happy that made me feel or that I even think about it.

When I think about my warmest with you it was on one of our early calls where I fell asleep after you without hanging up and I woke up to a picture you sent me that said "patience is the most gentle form of love" and you said that's how I made you feel and then you told me you wish we can sleep in the same bed someday before quickly panicking and saying "AS FRIENDS OFC.." and proceeding to tell me how much you hate me.it was adorable, I saw you as the most valuable treasure in the world that day, I just wanted to hold on and never let go.

When I craved you most was when we were walking together in your university and we stopped for a moment and we looked at each other and I looked down at your eyes and lips and you told me "we're gonna regret being this close to each other and not hugging" in a frustrated rushed tone, you were in a rush to leave before we got caught before you walked off without saying goodbye you told me something I'll never forget, you looked me in the eyes, smiled and said You were gonna tell our kids someday that their father was a sucker who was friendzoned so hard but still traveled so far to meet a girl he liked you said it'll make them persist their dreams and you called how we keep saying we're just friends "a cute romantic love story", I don't even understand the overflow of emotions my heart felt that day. Felt like warmth.

When I felt most hopeless was after I heard that you texted her again, I couldn't eat drink or sleep I only wanted to go out and run just run, I forced you to stay on call with me that was one of the most fearful nights of my life I felt so worried and angry...Idk if you remember but we ended it by you calling me dumb for staying by your side and me admitting that I'm the worlds biggest idiot and that I don't wanna have it any other way, I cried that night in the street while on call, my biggest fear was you being hurt.

When I look back on my greatest adventure with you nothing can top the day we hung out at the mall behind everyone's backs we saw someone you knew there, do you remember how I would get up and walk away quickly and act like we weren't together as soon as you signaled lol we were stupid, or that after we left the mall and tried to walk around in the neighborhoods we got stopped and harassed by embassy guards I tried to let you get away but they called you back, you lied about your name then gave them your ID smh, I argued with them, I remember how you yelled at me and cried after they let us go because I did, I'm arrogant I know, but I hated seeing someone intimidate you. After you were done being angry at me (and I apologized a million times) we went mock shopping together you were so cute it melted me a million times over, the way you walked ahead of me and danced a little so I'd look at you, the way you'd turn back and look me in the eyes and the way you pulled my jacket leading me behind you, I was so head over heals you could've pulled me into an active warzone and I wouldn't have noticed, I would've just followed you and stared. We met again that day.

There's a moment I was completely broken, I asked you when was the last time you did it and you didn't lie, I loved that about you so much dear, when you said you did it again after months of not doing it and I couldn't even cough up any words I just looked at your innocent eyes and cried, no sound, no build up, I just bawled silently, I had a breakdown after that, I'm sure you remember I never cried once since, all I wanted to do was grab you and hug you in bed all week as punishment for what you had done to my treasure. I don't know If I ever got over it, over how you acted so normal the day after and didn't tell me, of how I didn't see what was going on with you, my reality shattered and I realized I know nothing of the demons you see when you're alone, of course I wanted to protect you after that, I know you didn't want me to but it's all I wanted to do, I'm selfish and if it means you can be safe...hate me, I wasn't gonna change.

And there's a special moment I was built up by you, It's cheesey I know but when I was in a bad place and I tried to push you away and go to sleep but you kept being annoying and insisted I put the phone on the chair next to me and we can talk while I lay in bed, you were patient with me, you made the dumbest jokes and you made me laugh. I was so glad you were part of my life that night.

And so many more, I've never forgotten about, all the songs we listened to together, all the times we met, all the sleepless nights to sunrises working on projects, all the texts when you wake up in the morning and all the calls putting you to sleep, all the cries, laughs and crazy arguments. I remember it all and I miss you a lot dummy. I truly do.

I treasure all these moments and I'm so grateful I met the most beautiful women in the world and got close enough to see a glimpse of her inner beauty, I'm glad it was you I shared that stage of my life with, I'm glad I got to hear you laugh so many times and got to know what makes you cry, I'm so happy I got to see a few pictures of what happened to you in your past and got to share all that time with you. I'm truly happy continuing my life knowing I didn't miss out on my chance to meet the most beautiful soul. To meet you.

But I have something left to do, I don't regret that things ended I had my reason, as afraid as I am to say it, the first step towards being a man is admitting to you I didn't want to sit by and watch someone steal you away, and I ran away when I saw someone doing so, please don't deny it albi you know it's true, I promised you I didn't want anything from you and when I saw my feelings break that promise all I wanted to do was put distance between us because I felt every fiber of my being telling me to hold on the tightest I can I know I can't hold you down, It's so unfair of me to do, I'm leaving and you don't know if we'll ever see each other again, destiny really is bitter isn't she.

I know we never had anything serious but you were and still are my best friend, and the way I treated you when I cut things off was immature, I tried my best to forget and detach, I didn't see any other way, I'm not sure I even do know, but I regret how I ended things, I'm sorry my feelings cost you my friendship and cost me the realest thing I ever felt. I'm sorry for being cold and treating you the way I did. I'm gonna move on and this is my first step towards doing so, I want this letter to tell you that it wasn't your fault I left the way I did, It was me, I'm the one who couldn't confront losing you and ran away, but the reason I left was the result of actions you and I took. I hope what I'm trying to tell you got to you and I hope that it helps you get closure.

I hear you have a new person in your life I can't help but worry about you and your health, try to stay safe okay, please remember to fill up that bottle and drink from it everyday, water is really important for your health. I know I didn't see all of you, I know what we had was limited but for what you gave me, for your time, and because you cared about me, thank you. It means a lot.

And know that I didn't leave because you were worthless, I left because you were the most valuable thing in the world to me. And I couldn't have you.

I look forward to the day where I can laugh at all my feelings and call them dumb kid fantasies, I'm starting to grow up and see it that way, maybe someday the playlist filled with the songs we listen to together wouldn't make me sad. I hope...

Hi you...And goodbye you.