They all do it.

Most of them anyways.

You walk in the room, suddenly the isolation and lonliness are broken. The agoraphobia and the social anxiety are pummeling you.

They tell you to chill out, it's okay, you're doing fine.

They give you logical reasons why because they understand what it's like to be on the Spectrum and question things.

And then you have a great time. And you let yourself be happy. The past 4 years have made you forget what friendships feel like.

You only know how to offer yourself up these days, it's a honed survival skill where learning to enjoy yourself is an elective.

So when they come back and text you afterwards that you didn't do fine, when they tell you where you went wrong,

You get angry at first. You would hate yourself for judging or holding this kind of stuff against people.

Especially others on the spectrum.

Then you remember:

Affinity abuse is always the most tempting.

People have to hurt the ones who remind them of where they used to be.

And you resign yourself to the fact that they have to hurt you.

And you don't let them.

You look at the floor and you notice it's burning.

While your guitar gently weeps.

And you stare at the wall and you see the paint peeling

You smile wryly, tell the wall you know the feeling.

Every mistake, every error, every effort, every try.

They come and take what healing they need

Then knock you off their gallant steed

One spoke of freedom, and rode a red horse

One promised change, her mount pale as a corpse

One flew among the Ravens, a queen of birds and passing

And promised relief from the turning world in cuts and lashes everlasting

One spoke the truth, wings of black, hood of sable, brought me back

The fire still burns and I'm surely not learning

Because still I linger, still they pull their trigger finger

Demanding perfection and denying critique

No matter how I fight back my future stays bleak