That you might be on here, I’d want you to find this.

Don’t go through my profile, you won’t find anything but my innermost thoughts, and if I’m being honest I still don’t quite trust you with the deepest parts of my psyche. You’ll find the quiet desperation I’ve been holding onto for someone who forgot me a long time ago.

Dear Lex,

When you texted me today I was happy to see that you’re waking up to the reality that your parents have been psychologically tormenting you. I’m sorry it took so much and I’m sorry that I didn’t help more when we were together. I think if I tried any harder, it would’ve made things worse between your parents and I, and by extension between us. We were really struggling because of my religious choices, or rather thereof.

I understand that God is a big part of your life, and I understand that you want a husband that puts Him first too. I’m sorry I can’t be him. I’d love to be, but the church has done too much to hurt me and I don’t believe in it all anymore. Aside from the BIG reason that we don’t need to disclose, church and christianity has turned into a place that encourages division, judgement, and hate for people who don’t think similarly.

Aside from that, I just felt like you never really believed in me. Your whole family would joke that I’m going to be poor and have an unstable life, and your parents kinda hated me for being who I am. I’ve never had to convince someone that I was worthy of being treated like a person. I’ll never do it again either. You apologized today for not sticking up for me, and honestly it made me tear up a lil. I understand that if you did at the time, you would’ve been against your family. I didn’t want to make life harder for you, especially since I was already. But thank you for owning up to that.

I said I loved you back then. I still love you today. I’ll always want the best for you. I know that means that I won’t be yours, not being a godly man, thats okay. One day you’ll find the right guy for you. He’ll love you best.

Don’t let your parents convince you that you are anything less than absolutely perfect. In beauty, in mind, in soul. I always told you you were perfect, I always meant it. I still think you’re perfect.

All of this just to say I’m sorry that I was a lesson, rather than a promise. I wish I could’ve been the promise. I’m happy to hear your on a path of self realization.

I love you, unconditionally.

-Ben