you weren't part of my plans. you weren't part of this elaborate image i conjured up in my mind when i thought about how i wanted my life to go. but here you are, you weren't part of my plans but you managed to be intertwined with anything i set my mind to. when i thought of my life, i thought i'd follow in my mother's footsteps and be this strong-willed woman leading a matriarchal family but end up as an alcoholic while my youngest wonder why im always pissed off at her after having a few too many bottles of wine. i imagined i was destined for failure, so i planned ahead. the moment i get a job and earn enough money, i'll disappear. i'll keep going so the roots won't grow. so i wont have a hard time letting go like my mother did, you can say i just want to be nothing like my mother. i love her, but i dont strive for the life she has. i read about being a drifter and thought that'd be good for me. but then there was you.

i didn't know what i was thinking when i let you in, by the time i met you i already had my heart set on leaving. i had two people who had their own lives but consider me as their best friend. and with u it became three, which i didnt understand. those two have known me their whole lives, and i just met u. what made u think i was worth your time? i wish to see myself the way you do. maybe then i won't be so adamant about disappearing. a year became three, you asked me out. i wasn't ready for such commitment but i said yes. you said "i love you" first and it took me a while to say it back, i still cant say it without feeling a lump in my throat. then we fought, then we made up and did unspeakable activities. i laid there with you in my arms thinking i wasn't ready for that either. i remember hugging you, and the urge to stay be your side forever crept in. forever is a big word, but maybe a lifetime. our plans dont align. your plan is to stay and have a family, my plan is to leave and disappear. the longer i was with you the more my plans changed until it aligned with yours. we made so much memories in this stupid town we live in, we went on a roadtrip, we shared each other's firsts.

and now you're leaving.

you're moving away, it's for your future. im so proud of you, and now as i sit here typing this down while you get your papers sorted out, im thinking if it will work out between us. i know that it was me who pushed you, that you shouldn't look where its close to me because our own lives come first. this relationship isn't our priority as of now. we're young. we have our whole lives ahead of us. i just didn't expect that i'd feel this way. i just got back from an 18 hour drive and the whole time i thought about us. will i hold you back? you're going to this new place and meeting new people, do i need to break up with you? i dont want to. im pretty sure you dont either. but this is your new start and if it were me i wouldnt want anything intertwining me with my old life. i know you dont think that way, and you love me, but you never know. maybe this is just me being insecure. maybe part of me is mad that after replanning my whole life once i fell in love with you, its you who ends up leaving. maybe im jealous that you're leaving and im not. i dont know. i just know that i'll miss you. and we're probably gonna talk about this once i get my thoughts straight. but for now, i hope you stay happy through it all.