I've wanted to come here and type you a letter every time I thought about you, I want to tell you so much that honestly.....I haven't the faintest hint of what to say or how to start this.

Let me tell you about a lesson I learned from you to kick things off. Because of you, I will never come near promising anyone the future, I was really thankful you didn't let me promise it to you, because honestly my pride and value in my own word would have never let me leave, I realized what you meant when you said you can't accept promises of that kind, because it makes sense, you lost interest, you stopped caring or asking, you stopped putting in any effort and for me to promise to stay by the side of someone who feels the way you did is nothing less than absolute zero self value and having no self worth or respect. Because of you I will never in my life promise anyone the absolute future.

You also taught me another lesson I'll treasure and remember for my days to come, being patient for someone who needs it and is unable, is a noble act and shows love, on the other hand being patient with someone who is able to give but rathers they don't is foolish and pathetic. Thank you for that lesson. Had to learn the hard way but learned none the less.

maybe you got used to not giving so you didn't see putting in the effort was needed, maybe you thought you could never lose me or I'd stay no matter how poorly I was treated. You were wrong.

I've learned a lot from you, and grew more than one can ever hope to do so, which is why I'll never regret the time I spent with you.

Stepping away from lessons I picked up on our journey, I wanna talk to you about what happened at the end, from my side this time.

(I stopped here a couple of days ago. Couldn't finish the letter)

Hey, I'm processing a lot right now, I wanna know how I felt about you from the start till now.

I just woke up, had a dream about you, it was surreal, felt like a memory.

I was walking down the road and saw you sitting in your car, our eyes met, you had a look of shock and concern in your eyes, I look at the passenger seat and there he was, my replacement, I look at him look back at you and keep walking, I wonder for a second if he knows about me, and I wonder if you'll tell him that the guy that walked past the car is me.

I don't know if I loved you, but ik I buried my feelings deep down inside and never thought about them, there were always complicating factors from my side and yours that hindered me from confronting those feelings, so I don't know if I loved you, but ik I wanted you all to myself, in every possible way I wanted to have you and take you. Ik the idea of someone else having you other than me leaves me seething, idk what that emotion means, does it mean I had feelings or is it confusion, I think I can't take us being in a rs seriously because of the circumstances and due to it, I cannot deal with the question of what if. But in another life and taking myself completely out of the equation, I can see the guy I was falling for you and being with you. After all you flustered my heart without trying and seeing you satisfied my souls craving, being around you felt right, yeah it wouldn't have been without it's challenges and fair share of struggle, but I know if we both poured our hearts into it we would've overcome everything.

My letter is a mess and idk what I wanna tell you, I have a lot of emotions bottled up towards you and that much becomes apparent when I start typing and get overwhelmed by the feeling of something heavy on my chest, almost like I can feel all the emotions stuffed in there wiggling and moving aching to get out, but I fear they are far too strong to be let out, I just stop typing leave and distract myself.

I don't want to write you another letter. I'll just come here and edit this one when I want to add something. Oh right, I just remembered, I bought you a journal a while ago, you even saw me working on it in a few of our last video calls, I hope one day you hold it.